Monday, October 31, 2016

On Friends

**Disclaimer:  My first disclaimer is soon I will skip the disclaimers since this is supposed to be my new therapist.  However, I'm not quite there yet and know I'm still being judged for my words and opinions so I am just going to throw it out there that this post is intended for nobody.  I know all of our narcissistic brains like to find where we fit into situations but really-this is just my ramblings on a topic I think about all the time.  It's not about YOU!  But, I still love you:)

Friends.  We all have them.  We have all kinds of them.  We've got our party friends or social friends, we've got our work friends, our gym friends, our best friends, our kids friends Moms, our family friends and then we've got those friends that you haven't talked to in years but call them your best friends because space and time mean nothing when it comes to them.  I've always said that you are given your family but you pick your people.  I choose very wisely or I try to.  

You know that saying "My ride or die?"  I don't get it.  I don't need a friend to die.  I need you there for the ride.  I need a "ride" friend.  Thats what I need.  Don't be the ride or die- be the ride.  For someone. Anyone.  Be someones ride.

I'm a watcher.  I take it all in.  I do have a lot of opinions and as many as I share- I keep to myself.  I love to peep the scene.  I like to absorb all that's happening.  Shamelessly, I'm nosey and I like to know things.  So, I watch.  And, I absorb and in doing so- I learn a lot about people.  Fascinating, really.

So many people have to surround themselves with such a large crowd.  They have to have so much energy around them and I can't always tell if its because they lack the confidence, they love the rush or they just thrive in chaos.  Don't get me wrong, I love a good party.  I love happy people, gathered together with their worries pushed aside to actually enjoy life in a pretty difficult world.  I tend to thrive in a smaller group.  Less chaos.  More personal.  However, here is a little story about how a good crowd actually helped me.  Last year, I agreed to throw my gym Christmas Party.  I agreed to do this before shit really hit the fan and I began my decline into anxiety and depression.  However, I made a commitment and I'll be damned if I was going to let everyone down.  The week before was spent talking to my therapist about how I was going to get dressed, how I was going to not hide in the bathroom and how I was going to actually survive.  It was not a good situation for me.  I had spent about a month alone and I was in no condition to be  ready to entertain anybody.  The day of the party came and I busied myself with details and I got dressed.  And, I answered the door.  And, I smiled a fake smile to each and every person that entered my house.  After a couple hours, I actually engaged in the fun.  I let go of my troubles and I laughed real laughs with real people in my own home.  It was a really good experience for me.  Most of those people in my house that night- had no idea what my life was like.  They had no idea how desperate I was.  The best part- it didn't matter.  I felt loved in a big crowd and they gave me one night of no tears.  This is what I mean when I say its important to have all the kinds of friendships.  They all have a place.

As for those friends that you hardly talk to but count on the most- those are cool.  Those are my jam.  I think it is insanely awesome to meet someone and it just be right.  When it feels like you can tell this person anything and you hardly know them and you only spend brief moments in your life with them- those are my heroes.  Those are the friends I have tucked in my little toolbox and I use them when needed and I know that no matter what- they are there.  Few words.  Miles Apart.  All the difference in the world.  

Then we have the fair-weather friends.  These are hard.  These people love you when you're up and fun and everything is sunshine and butterflies.  When life gets hard and you're more like a black cloud- they kind of wander off.  You can go ahead and lose those people.  I give you permission.  It is actually hard to do.  I may have a tough exterior but I do feel bad when I know people need to go from my life.  If I have called you a friend- I have given you a lot of energy and it makes me sad to know it was wasted.  So, I get it.  Its hard to let go.  You must remember- life is hard so give that energy to something else. Remember ride or die.  Just because we don't die- doesn't mean we don't expect you to ride.  

We also have the friends that just know.  Sometimes these people surprise you. There are a few people who I am not that close with that heard me when I wasn't speaking.  They text me that they know I'm not OK- when Ive never even spoke to them on the phone or hung out with them.  The people that hear you when you don't speak- put them in your pocket.  Don't lose them.  These people need to be your people.  Some of my best friends had no idea I spent hours a day sobbing on the floor.  Its not their fault.  I don't even blame them.  Everyone has their own lives and I am certainly not the center of theirs.  However, the people who don't believe your OK voice, don't tolerate your lack of text responses or those that see the tears behind the makeup- just hold on to those.  That's all.  They are your ride. 

I go through stages where I have a ton of friends and then I have few friends.  Its not really that I gain and lose friends all the time.  Its more that I let people in and I shut people out.  Its me.  Its not the best way to go but it is who I am.  When things get really bad for me, I shut down.  I suffer alone and I share nothing with anyone.  This is not because my friends aren't good enough.  This is not because I don't trust them.  This is just the way I was made.  To suffer alone and rise alone.  Everything I do is kind of in my own way.  I'm hard to sway, I'm hard to challenge because I just sort of pave my own path.  Now, I'm pretty sure life could be easier if I chose the path already paved but its really just not my style.  I know I make life harder than it has to be but at least I'm going my own way.  Hard or not.  I'm doing my thing.  And, I think you should do yours.  


Also- on a completely different note.  I took my kids grocery shopping this weekend.  Part of why I always say I decided not to work, was so that I didn't have to do things like take my kids grocery shopping.  I realize they are 5, 7, and 9.  I realize that I'm a Mom and Mom's do this.  However, Its a nightmare.  Its so annoying.  Its so not fun.  I would just like to ask where all my friends were when I decided to willingly take them to the grocery store on a  Sunday morning??  Friends, please don't let me do this again.  Remind me that I have all week to do this without them.  Remind me that it is not helpful to our relationship of parent/child when we shop together.  It does not grow the love balloon at all.  Friends don't let it happen again.

Happy Halloween! I'll be over at my sisters stressed out about all the sugar and being a really uncool Mom if you need me!
My Fave


 
Be someones RIDE.  

Friday, October 28, 2016

My New Therapist

Hi.  I'm here.  I'm probably the worst blogger ever born but you know, nobody's perfect.  I'm going to be better.  I decided that I am going to come to this computer in the middle of my kitchen as often as I can and send out to the Universe or whoever is listening, what I have to say.  Usually, I have a lot to say but I go lay on my bed and think about my crazy life and that's not that therapeutic so its time I try something new.  I like writing.  It feels a little like therapy but better because nobody is talking back or telling me things I don't want to hear.  So this computer,  might just be my new cheap therapist.  Those of you who want to listen to whatever ramblings I have- perfect.  If you don't- well, that's OK too.

I'm going to give a little warning that these posts aren't going to be pretty.  I'm not going to spend hours a day spell checking, making sure punctuation is correct or really proof reading at all.  Like I said, nobody is perfect and I don't even have a small desire to try to be.  So, sorry about the grammar.  Kind of.  I'm not really that sorry, but whatever.

So.  Here is the story.  The God's honest truth story.  My life has literally been on a landslide fall in the wrong direction for way too long.  I could tell you story after story after story of what has been happening and you probably wouldn't believe me.  Lets put it this way- You all thought my breakdown and trip to Arizona was alarming.  Ha.  Yes, yes it was.  However, the recent happenings since then aren't even close to the same spectrum.  They are worse!  The details aren't important and truthfully I'm not going to relive them to tell.  Just take my word for it!  Every day I wake up and think, today is the day that my luck turns.  By around 10:00AM, I realize that ain't happening.  If you know me, you know I'm a pretty tough broad for a small chick.  I've got thick skin, a sharp mind and the ability to carry a lot of weight on these shoulders.  I've had more than a fair share of struggles in my life and I do somehow always come out on top.  It's not because I coast, its because I fight.  I'm not perfect, I have no desire to be perfect but I do have resilience and that my friends, is all you need to really get by.

My Favorite human being happens to be a blogger by the name of Glennon Doyle Melton.  This is what she said:    "I was lucky enough to have been to rock bottom before, right?  So I know, for a fact, that rock bottom is always the beginning of the newness.  It hurts and its painful, and then there is the waiting- where you don't know what the hell is going on and you don't think any of it is going to make sense and then, there's the rising."
I met Glennon once.  I will meet her again next week to remind her how good of friends we are.




The way I see it, that rise... it's GOT TO BE right around the corner and Oh, Baby- I'm ready.  I'm holding on as tight as I can to whatever piece of faith I can find in any day and I am ready for the rise.  I will own that rise and I will try to make a difference somewhere with it.


I'm never going to come here and pretend like life is perfection.  I do have an adorable family, a gorgeous home and the ability to not have to work at this time-  That does not mean my life is all sunshine.   I also have Instagram and Facebook.  I can post anything I want and you can read into any way you want.  That's all part of our freedom.  I look at everybody's stuff a few times a day and I form my own opinions as well.  Some people may really have those picture perfect lives but I'll tell you what I have.  I have picture perfect moments…and then I have my real life.  This includes happy kids, sad kids, mad kids, good days, bad days and horrific days of sadness.  And, an unreal amount of anxiety that no drug can help.  I also have wonderful days and see beautiful pink skies that I always think are made for me.  I'm real.  I'll never try to be something I'm not.   I am 35 years old and still just trying to find my way.   This blog will be happy.  It will sad.  It will be a portrayal of me.  Just as I am.  Enjoy the ride…its a bumpy one.

Let's talk about my fitness.  That's my favorite topic.  I'm obsessed with it.  No shame in my game.  Here is the deal with it.  I HATE the actual working out part.  I don't like to sweat.  I don't like to be uncomfortable and I don't particularly like to do really hard things- even though I can.  And, for the Love of God and all things Holy- do NOT tell me I have good genetics.  I work my ass off every single day and I eat the same thing every day and its a hot topic for me!  Anyways…what I do like is the feeling of a commitment to something, and the sense of accomplishment I get from completing the work.  I've switched my routine.  Wait for it… I'm not currently Crossfitting (Gasp!)  I know, I know, I know.  I did it for almost 4 years and decided to try a new challenge.  Crossfit is competitive and addicting and I loved it.  Loved the communities, the companionship's, the friendships and the fitness.  I'm not saying I'll never go back- I'm saying I'm diggin' something new at the moment.  I'm lifting heavy ass weights with a very large black man that is 3.5 times my size and follows drags me around the gym saying "I got you," the entire time.  I have goals that I will never attain, because that's how I am and I'll own it, of what I want my body to look like.  I just have this unimaginable desire to be strong.  I told him today that I want to be the smallest, strongest girl anyone has ever seen.  He replied with "Are those real tears, save them for the car (as I almost lost my shit on the leg press machine.)  God, I love that giant.  He beats the crap out of my body multiple times a week and hugs me at the end of each visit.  Bless him for dealing with my shit and welcoming me into his playground.   Stay tuned.  I'm about to be jacked ;)  
I was told to take a before picture.  The ones on the right- those are after  my first leg day. HA


 #roadtojackedness

Kids!  Lets talk about my kids because well, they are cute and pretty much my whole world.

Carter:  Kicking butt at Flag Football.  Never seen confidence in this kid like I do on that football field. I obviously have no clue what is happening in a football game but I know when my kid runs all the way down the field and everyone is screaming- its a good thing!  He is also doing great at soccer and loving every minute.   He is in 4th grade and switching classes.  I check his online grade book every day and I have now banned him from school lunches for his inability to not by obscene amounts of junk food.  Yup, I'm the cool mom!  Not.




Paige:  Oh, Paigey.  My little hero.  She is dancing 4.5 hours a week and decided to play soccer for the first time.  Went out there and owned it with 3 goals her first game, 6 her second, 3 her third and so on.  The girl can really do anything.  She looks about 11 and she is the biggest  helper or the biggest drama queen depending  on her mood.  She still wears all the Matilda Jane I buy her but really wants to go to Justice….  we're in negotiations on that.  She is Paige and she is her own person and I couldn't be more proud of that.




Easton:  Easy E.  Well, he screams all day.  Every day.  Yells.  Loud.  He's grumpy and moody.  I contact his teacher often who assures me he is perfect. Apparently doesn't scream and slam doors and tell her what she does wrong all day.  Which is good, I guess.  Rude to save it all for me but I'm OK with it.  At least in the real world he acts like a normal human being so I must be getting through to him somehow.  I didn't have him play outdoor soccer in the fall because those lungs don't like it.  He is signed up to play indoor soccer and starts this Saturday.  He is growing so much and will probs pass his brother which is already a huge problem.  He eats nonstop, talks nonstop and is my daily reminder to believe in Miracles.  I don't know why I was chosen to have one walking through my life- but he is and I do not forget it.




That's it.  That's all I got for today.  That's my current situation and now I'm going to fly around this house and pick it up as fast as I can before I get them off the bus and watch them destroy it in record time!

Have a great weekend.  Be Resilient!