Navigating Mental Health in Today's Insane World

 Ok... So, the blog didn't quite happen twice in a week AND thats exactly why I said I would TRY.  If I nailed it the first week, I would have nothing to strive for.  It's all part of the plan:)

I have so many thoughts on this crazy ass world that we are living in.  I mean, I've been earth side for 40 years and never ever seen or experienced anything like this.  It legit feels like insanity.  I'm navigating it pretty well now but there were some dicey moments for me when the world was shut down.  For someone who needs to feel in some sort of control of her life and that literally being taken away- it was a lot.  I know that probably everyone feels that do some degree.

I can't help but feel bad for my kids (and yours.)  I never in my wildest dreams thought my children would be masked to go to school.  Regardless of your stance on anything- this is abnormal and bizarre.  Looking at people's faces and see expressions is where the human connection begins.  There is no doubt in my mind that connections have been lost.  As if navigating the never-ending national pandemic wasn't enough- now we have added MORE gun violence to the mix.  Instead of the kids having school canceled for the Snow Days they all dream and wish for- we are canceling school so that threats can be investigated, and students and staff can regroup.  

Let me give you an example of my daughter's week.  First, she is exposed to Covid even though she covers her face with a mask every day.  As a result, she has to be swabbed every day for 3 days to even attend school.  Next, she is named a witness to "information of interest" and has to give a statement TO THE POLICE.  She did not want to be a witness.  She did not raise her hand to volunteer information because she did not want to be involved but was NAMED a witness because she happened to be assigned a seat next to the child.  This is all in addition to the fact that I had to pick her up from school early the day after the shootings because social media scared the living daylights out of her and she was terrified.  You guys, she is 12.  And a middle schooler.  WHAT IS THIS LIFE???  I'm positive you all are experiencing similar scenarios.  And, its not OK.

The Oxford shooting is the most devastating tragedy to happen this close to our home that I have witnessed.  The students in our school knew these students.  Played sports with these kids and were in their homes.  The news gave a lot of detailed information, but it did not compare to what the kids actually knew, saw and heard via text messages from actual victims and family members.  These kids were so afraid and legitimately so.  Such a horrific tragedy.  I've put myself in those parents shoes receiving that phone call and it makes me physically ill.

It's absolutely no wonder that I have had more people reach out to me for help in the last month than ever before.  Life was hard before when it was "normal" and this is not normal.  I am refusing to accept this a "new norm."   Hell no.

Mental health is so important and very hard to navigate.  I have a lot of people coming to me so unsure of what they are actually struggling with.  Anxiety, depression, OCD, etc.  I want to kind of explain something I learned about myself that may be helpful to dissect what can happen.  This is not for everyone but was for me.  My core issue is Anxiety.  Anxiety is the number one "energy wasting" entitity.  It is exhausting.  It can cause people to be very obsessive.  That obsessiveness can turn into OCD behaviors.  Eventually you run out of energy from being so anxious and obsessing.  This turns to exhaustion which leads you into depression.  Too exhausted and upset to function.  Once you sit in that state for a while, you get anxious about not getting things done.  And.... there we go.  It all happens again.  A vicious cycle that you cannot break.  A lot of times what is wrong with us... is all of it,  Between the crazy state of the world, the violence added in and sprinkle in the "my life is perfect social media posts" and we are all doomed.  It is a lot.  And, it is ok that you feel thar.

Christmas is a super fun season but also stressful and hard for people for many reasons.  Some are  moving through with the loss of loved ones.  Others are at a financial hardship and worried about making their family happy.  Some don't love to spend time with family as they are triggers for emotional distress.  PLEASE slow down and be aware that things are not easy for so many.  Be KIND for gods sake!

If you are stuggling emotionally or mentally- please don't ignore it.  It is not selfish to want to feel better.  When you are in a good place, you have more to offer everyone in your life.  You cannot pour from an empty cup.  There is nothing to be ashamed of and I promise the other side is worth the walk through the fire.

Be well.

The Tide

 I recently listened Joe Rogan's Podcast and he had Jewel on as a guest.  I had no idea what an amazing and strong human she was.  Truly incredible.  She told some stories about what you can learn from Mother Nature and described a time when she was sitting on the beach watching the Tide roll in and out.  She explained how long it can take for the Tide to come back in once it has gone out.  When things got difficult throughout life, it helped her to understand that she just needed to wait for the tide to come back in... because it always does.

My tide has been out.  Just stuck out there.  I have been waiting and waiting for it to roll back in.  For those of you that have followed this (terribly inconsistent) blog before... you know I have a lot of shit.  There is not really a prettier way to say it.  I've got all the things and I'm always just out here trying to stay semi-steady and somewhat thriving.  Never looking for perfection or even "great."  I'm very ok with just feeling content and making sure my family is happy and I feel decently good.  Good is good enough for me!

After I heard the story about the tide, it became clear to me that that was what was happening to me.  I started to panic about how to get it to come back in.  I contemplated a med change but OMG it took me flying across the damn country to find a combo that "mostly" works for me and I am terrified to change it.  I thought about going back to therapy for the 6537995 time in my life but that thought is exhausting.  My history is long, complicated and frankly its been very hard to find a therapist equipped to deal with me.  I am super self aware.  I know myself very well.  I'm insanely stubborn.  And, I feel like people cant always help me as much as I can help myself IF I will allow myself.

I had a trip planned with a girlfriend for the following Friday.  The week of by Tuesday, I was losing my damn mind.  Just kind of spiraling inside.  My brain likes to do this thing where it goes on repeat and I cant shut it up.  I was also doing the thing where I "need to sleep" all the time and was staying in my bed way too often.  Paige also said "I dont know why you never feel good." That broke me.  I've heard them say that before.  I knew I had to stand up and help myself and one thing that has worked for me before is to be completely alone.  No distractions.  Just sit with myself and devise my next plan to get back on my feet.  I changed my flight and booked an extra two nights at the hotel.  I was going to bring that tide back in.

Of course, nothing is easy.  As I sat in the back of an Uber headed to the airport very early the next morning, the tears just flowed.  All of the guilt of leaving the kids for extra days, making life harder for Matt, missing sports all made me feel like an awful human.  The plane ride felt long and I was so mad at myself for bailing on my people.  Now remember, I bailed for TWO extra days.  Thats it.  The brain sure is powerful.

I arrived at the hotel, put my things in my room and went straight to the beach.  The minute I heard and saw the waves, I knew I did the exact right thing.  I felt immediate peace.  My chest loosened and I could breathe better.

Being alone is weird.  Especially at a hotel or on a vacation.  The normal tasks to busy yourself around the house are gone.  There is nothing to do but sit with yourself.  Its always in that time where I can figure out what I need to do.  I wanted to come up with my own solution before I went to outside sources to "fix" me.

I came up with a few things that I will share.  One thing I have known but really understood last week is that money doesn't equal success to me.  It doesn't make me feel good or fill my cup.  Now let me be crystal clear.  I am fancy.  I like all the designer things.  I like to travel to warm areas about 6 months a year.  I love clothes and expensive skincare and nice cars.  And, to be fair- I have those things and I want to continue to have them.  My point is that they are just things and my self worth has ZERO connection to it.  I don't know if its because I grew up in a home where I was given pretty much whatever I wanted or if this is a normal thing?   I do know that I go to work because I want to help provide for my family and I want to have  the "extras" without too much struggle.  But, those things will never define who I am.  If money makes you feel successful, that is OK too.  We all have our things, that just isn't mine.  I have figured out that I get so much more from the stuff I do for free.  Representing the Hurley Foundation as  a Board Member and continuing to support their mission makes me feel good.  Having people who are struggling in some form or another reach out and trust me to help them- makes me feel good.  Coming here to this blog where I can write and get my feelings out- makes me feel good.  Which is why I am here right now.  I told myself that I want to try to post two times a week.  Force myself to sit down and pour out whatever it is I am thinking about.  I want this to be a place people can relate to.  And agree with.  Or disagree with.  Just an open forum for me to not hold everything in.  Its interesting that I like to write but I dont like to talk.  I never feel like I can spill my guts or talk to people but after I sit here and type on this computer, I always feel lighter.  

There are a few other things I came up with that I am going to share at a later post.  I just wanted to send this out into cyber space to honor the commitment to myself to TRY to make this a habit and create a space.

For now, the tide is in. I am energized and goal oriented and happy to carpool kids again.  Life right now with my three kids involves five different team sport schedules and three different schools.  It is chaotic and difficult and frustrating and also TRULY what I always dreamed about.  My intent is to enjoy (most) of the moments and not hate myself when I loathe them!

If your tide is out, KNOW that it has to come back in.  Give yourself permission to do whatever it takes to bring her back in,  It will be worth it to you and all those that love you.

Talk Soon.