Friday, November 12, 2021

The Tide

 I recently listened Joe Rogan's Podcast and he had Jewel on as a guest.  I had no idea what an amazing and strong human she was.  Truly incredible.  She told some stories about what you can learn from Mother Nature and described a time when she was sitting on the beach watching the Tide roll in and out.  She explained how long it can take for the Tide to come back in once it has gone out.  When things got difficult throughout life, it helped her to understand that she just needed to wait for the tide to come back in... because it always does.


My tide has been out.  Just stuck out there.  I have been waiting and waiting for it to roll back in.  For those of you that have followed this (terribly inconsistent) blog before... you know I have a lot of shit.  There is not really a prettier way to say it.  I've got all the things and I'm always just out here trying to stay semi-steady and somewhat thriving.  Never looking for perfection or even "great."  I'm very ok with just feeling content and making sure my family is happy and I feel decently good.  Good is good enough for me!


After I heard the story about the tide, it became clear to me that that was what was happening to me.  I started to panic about how to get it to come back in.  I contemplated a med change but OMG it took me flying across the damn country to find a combo that "mostly" works for me and I am terrified to change it.  I thought about going back to therapy for the 6537995 time in my life but that thought is exhausting.  My history is long, complicated and frankly its been very hard to find a therapist equipped to deal with me.  I am super self aware.  I know myself very well.  I'm insanely stubborn.  And, I feel like people cant always help me as much as I can help myself IF I will allow myself.


I had a trip planned with a girlfriend for the following Friday.  The week of by Tuesday, I was losing my damn mind.  Just kind of spiraling inside.  My brain likes to do this thing where it goes on repeat and I cant shut it up.  I was also doing the thing where I "need to sleep" all the time and was staying in my bed way too often.  Paige also said "I dont know why you never feel good." That broke me.  I've heard them say that before.  I knew I had to stand up and help myself and one thing that has worked for me before is to be completely alone.  No distractions.  Just sit with myself and devise my next plan to get back on my feet.  I changed my flight and booked an extra two nights at the hotel.  I was going to bring that tide back in.

Of course, nothing is easy.  As I sat in the back of an Uber headed to the airport very early the next morning, the tears just flowed.  All of the guilt of leaving the kids for extra days, making life harder for Matt, missing sports all made me feel like an awful human.  The plane ride felt long and I was so mad at myself for bailing on my people.  Now remember, I bailed for TWO extra days.  Thats it.  The brain sure is powerful.

I arrived at the hotel, put my things in my room and went straight to the beach.  The minute I heard and saw the waves, I knew I did the exact right thing.  I felt immediate peace.  My chest loosened and I could breathe better.


Being alone is weird.  Especially at a hotel or on a vacation.  The normal tasks to busy yourself around the house are gone.  There is nothing to do but sit with yourself.  Its always in that time where I can figure out what I need to do.  I wanted to come up with my own solution before I went to outside sources to "fix" me.


I came up with a few things that I will share.  One thing I have known but really understood last week is that money doesn't equal success to me.  It doesn't make me feel good or fill my cup.  Now let me be crystal clear.  I am fancy.  I like all the designer things.  I like to travel to warm areas about 6 months a year.  I love clothes and expensive skincare and nice cars.  And, to be fair- I have those things and I want to continue to have them.  My point is that they are just things and my self worth has ZERO connection to it.  I don't know if its because I grew up in a home where I was given pretty much whatever I wanted or if this is a normal thing?   I do know that I go to work because I want to help provide for my family and I want to have  the "extras" without too much struggle.  But, those things will never define who I am.  If money makes you feel successful, that is OK too.  We all have our things, that just isn't mine.  I have figured out that I get so much more from the stuff I do for free.  Representing the Hurley Foundation as  a Board Member and continuing to support their mission makes me feel good.  Having people who are struggling in some form or another reach out and trust me to help them- makes me feel good.  Coming here to this blog where I can write and get my feelings out- makes me feel good.  Which is why I am here right now.  I told myself that I want to try to post two times a week.  Force myself to sit down and pour out whatever it is I am thinking about.  I want this to be a place people can relate to.  And agree with.  Or disagree with.  Just an open forum for me to not hold everything in.  Its interesting that I like to write but I dont like to talk.  I never feel like I can spill my guts or talk to people but after I sit here and type on this computer, I always feel lighter.  

There are a few other things I came up with that I am going to share at a later post.  I just wanted to send this out into cyber space to honor the commitment to myself to TRY to make this a habit and create a space.


For now, the tide is in. I am energized and goal oriented and happy to carpool kids again.  Life right now with my three kids involves five different team sport schedules and three different schools.  It is chaotic and difficult and frustrating and also TRULY what I always dreamed about.  My intent is to enjoy (most) of the moments and not hate myself when I loathe them!


If your tide is out, KNOW that it has to come back in.  Give yourself permission to do whatever it takes to bring her back in,  It will be worth it to you and all those that love you.


Talk Soon.