Normalizing.

Miss Paige Ruby

No cavities!

Things in the Clark house are normalizing.  It's a new normal.  It's chaotic, loud, fun, loud, busy, exhausting, hilarious, loud, exciting and loud.  Three kids in four years is humorous.  If you don't stop and laugh then you will go nuts!  I feel like everywhere I go people are laughing at me so I've decided to join them!  Let me give you a little example of what I'm talking about.  Yesterday I took the kids to Target.  I could just sit home all day but I choose to get out there in the real world and see what kind of trouble I can get myself into.  Anyways, Target.  I love Target.  Everybody knows this about me but let me just admit right here and now that I love Target a whole lot less with three kids in tow.  Here is a visual:  Easton in the  back of the cart, Paige strapped in the front to prevent her from jumping out, Carter supposed to be holding on to the cart or riding on the back.  Oh, No.  While I was looking for a tank top Carter took the liberty of hiding in all the clothes racks and cracking himself (and Paige) up.  Obviously we quickly vacated that section.  There were many other little episodes including a trip to the bathroom (of course!) and we ended with one package of gumballs scattered across three check out lines!  Ahh... all in a days work:)  This my friends, is what dreams are made of.  Truly.  All my life I would think about myself at the age of 30.  It's kind of a monumental age and I always just wondered where I'd be, who I'd be with and what I would be doing.  I can honestly say that this is exactly what I had in mind.  I'm a lucky girl.


Up next, Disney World!  Yes, we are crazy.  We get a little bit of normalcy and routine in our life and we like to see what we can do to rock the boat.  The two big kids are thrilled and counting down how many "sleeps" until we leave.  I can't wait to see their faces.  Look out Florida, the Clark's are coming.  Us and Hurricane Irene.  I'm not sure which is scarier for that state.  Should be crazy fun.  These are memories of a lifetime and I cannot wait for it.  I can however wait to fly with Paige...that should be an adventure all on its own.  Love that girl.  Giddy up!

2 years ago.

Here is the big news...Mama's going back to work!  I have been off since January 15.  Yup, that long.  Pregnancy and babies are no joke over here.  I'm actually ready.  I think.  I give all the credit in the world to stay at home Mom's.  It's hard!  I like to work.  I like having a purpose outside my home.  I know I am needed there and love being home but I also like to be out of the house.  I'm going back three days a week so I still feel like I will have plenty of time at home as well.  The weird part is going to be leaving Easton.  I've never had to leave a baby because they always get to come with me.  How ironic that I end up with a baby that can't go to daycare!  The doctors recommended that he stay out for 6 months to a year to give his body plenty of time to heal.  I'm never away from him but at least I know I will only be 5 minutes away and will have lunch with him each day.  We can do this.  


Gratitude, once again.  You know my favorite word.  I'm still overwhelmed with the outpouring of support from people in our lives.  This past week I received an awesome gift from girls I went to college with.  Many of them I have very little contact with except through Facebook.  I can't tell you what it means to me to know there are people out there pulling for us and wishing us well.  Thank you, girls!  I promise to pay it forward.  People like you- push me to be a better person.  Forever grateful.

Lovin' Tummy Time.

Easton update:  He is Super Baby!  He finally hit 10 pounds at 13.5 weeks.  He eats pretty well (most of the time) and refuses to sleep thru the night.  He is super smiley and he loves to look around and check out the world.  I still can't get the images of him so sick out of my mind but at least I have images of his smiling face to go along with them.  Everyday I thank my lucky stars for all the people that took care of him.  God Bless the Hurley NICU doctors and nurses.  We love them all!

For the Mommies...

This post is for the Mommies of little ones.  I said this blog would be about what was happening in my life and THIS is happening in my life.  I know many people wont relate but just as many will.  This issue of breast feeding has been bugging me lately.


To breast feed or not? What the heck is with this stigma attached to breast feeding these days?  Four years ago when I had Carter, I chose to nurse him because I wanted the bonding experience and I felt it was best for him.  Same with Paige.  That was it.  I wasn't aware of any stigma about it and I never really even considered anybody else's feelings about it.  My kid, my body, my milk, my business.  Right?  Wrong!  Lately it seems like people raise an eyebrow if you don't breast feed your baby.  Wait- lets back up.  Why is one of the first questions out of peoples mouths when you have a baby, "Are you nursing?"  How does this affect anyone else's life except to pass judgement?  You cannot tell me that some of my friends who use formula love their kids less than I love mine.  I just don't buy into that.  I also don't think that they want less for their kids than I do.  It's a personal choice shaped by many reasons and situations.  If you have read my blog before- you know I am an open book.  I will tell you just about anything because I don't believe in hiding your experiences.  In fact, I think its beneficial.  Here is my situation and why this topic is prevalent.  I'm not a new Mom.  Easton is my third baby and also the third baby I have chose to breast feed.  This situation is so different this time.  For one, Easton wasn't fed any milk until he was almost 3 weeks old because he was so sick which meant I just had to pump around the clock to even keep my milk coming.  All you Mom's who pump know what a joy that was!  Now we are home and he isn't a great eater.  It is a major struggle.  He isn't great at the bottle and I'm not able to nurse him at all anymore because it is too much effort and he won't take more than an ounce from me before falling asleep.  I figured this out the hard way by taking him to the doctor and finding he wasn't gaining any weight.  He is still very small for his age and gaining as.slow.as.a.snail!  (He weighs at 12 weeks what my other two weighed at 4 weeks.)  That said, I have to pump every meal.  Might not seem like a big deal but in my world it is.  I have Paige.  Paige enjoys taking off her clothes and going outside while I pump.  She also enjoys dumping cereal on the floor or demanding she's "firsty" the moment I sit down.  I can't exactly stop pumping once I start to re-dress her, get her a drink and clean up the cereal.  This causes chaos with Carter.  He tries to do these things for me and the next thing I know I have two fighting kids and a screaming/hungry baby all while I'm trying to take the 10 minutes to pump then next bottle.  I'm exhausted just thinking about this and it happens...5 times a day:)  Then there is the car pumping.  No, I don't pump and drive- although I have considered it. I like to pump while Matt drives because it's a time saver.  We have to be in the car and that is useless time so I might as well make it useful and make a bottle.  Matt thinks this is nuts.  He is getting better about it now but still looks at me like I may have lost my mind!  The next issue is that I am pretty thin from all the stress and could probably benefit from not giving him all my calories...which doesn't seem to be bulking him up anyway!  Then there is the immunity factor.  Easton needs the antibodies from me to help him fight off infection and stay healthy.  Umm- being strictly breast fed he still ended up in the hospital from a virus nobody I even know had.  My antibodies apparently suck.  Are you getting my point?  It's that there are circumstances in people life that shape their decision.  Please don't judge them.  Being a Mom is hard enough- we all do our best and don't need anybody else's opinion (unless asked) to make it more difficult.


As for me, I am still nursing pumping and bottle feeding all but one feeding a day which I supplement with a high calorie, high protein formula to help plump him up.  However,  I'm thinking about stopping (gasp!)  I have 150 bags of frozen milk to use up and then I plan to switch to only NeoSure which is the formula recommended for him.  I may stop tomorrow, next week, next month, or in 9 months.  The guilt I have about stopping is my own issue.  Fortunately I am pretty confident in my parenting decisions and will ultimately do what I feel is best for my family and myself.  Some people have a harder time or are less secure in their decisions so lets all cut a little slack and try to give new Mom's a break!  Lets support what is best for each person as opposed to what society THINKS is best.  


For the record:  I 100% encourage breast feeding but I also support formula...with no judgement!


Moving on...  Life at the Clark's is still nuts.  It's getting easier all the time but its still nuts.  Sleep is super rare in this house.  Easton has no consistency.  Two nights ago he got up once and last night four times.  No rhyme or reason.  It's just Easton and we all know by now that Easton marches to his own drum!  So last night...Easton got up four times then Paige wakes up crying and comes in my bed.  The crying woke up Carter so he came in.  Pretty awesome night getting up 6 times in my whole 7 hours of being in bed!  Matt tried to tell me that one day I will look back and wish I was still getting up with babies.  Matt is wrong.  There are a lot of things I will miss about these times but never in a million years will it be giving up my beauty sleep!  

All Clean!

Shaving Cream Fun at School

Paige is the cutest thing I have ever seen.  She is also the sassiest.  I want to punish her and I do put her in timeout but I gotta admit- I like her style.  A little sweet, a lot of sass, a bit innocent and enough guts to stand up for herself at all times.  She is talking like crazy and likes to tell jokes.  Unfortunately, her punch line is always "Betause."  She may need some new jokes but her delivery will make you smile anyway.


Carter is growing up.  Its sad.  He likes to say things to me like, "You know I will be 14 one day, right?"  Really?  No doubt.  He knows how to rub it in.  Even though he is the oldest and can be rather moody, I think he is the sweetest.  He loves me so much.  I can't get enough of that and all the sweet things he says.  For example, "Mom, you look like an angel today."  Love him!


Easton is actually doing pretty good.  Besides the whole hating to eat issue- he has been so much better.  He is acting like a real baby.  Finally.  He loves to lay on the floor and kick and cannot get enough of looking at himself in the mirror.  He knows he has got the looks and he has no issue admiring himself.  He is growing slowly but at least he is growing.  He seems more comfortable lately and I just love him to pieces.  He also has the smile down pat!

Lazy Day

12 weeks, baby.

"Healthy Baby"

This post is just to clear my head.  Its more of a journal entry than anything else.  I'm so exhausted and filled with concern that I can't even think straight.  Hopefully spilling it all here will give my mind a break.


You know that phrase when a pregnant woman gives the correct answer in response to the common question of which gender of baby she prefers, and she answers, "I don't care as long as the baby is healthy."  I gave that answer.  I made sure not to be too greedy and to really be able to accept either a boy or a girl with a happy heart.  I actually meant it.  How about this?  How about if your baby isn't healthy?  Then what?  Then that whole saying isn't really adequate, is it?  What if your baby comes out and can't breathe or has a crappy set of lungs- those super important organs necessary to breathe which in turn are necessary to live.  What if you have to watch your baby struggle every.single.day for a month in the hospital not knowing for a couple weeks if he will even live?  I guess that makes that question about gender a bit less important.  Maybe we should be asking tougher questions.


My heart could quite possible explode from the love I have for this child.  Never in my life did I dream I would have a baby that wasn't "perfectly healthy."  The perfect part he has nailed down, the healthy part we are still working on.  I cannot believe I was naive enough to just assume that my baby would be healthy.  Maybe it was arrogance assuming those things wouldn't happen to me.  Whatever it was, it was wrong.


I would like to just be able to get over this whole experience.   Move on. Thank God that its over...which I do.  The only problem is that it doesn't really feel over yet.  Yes, I am confident he will live and I will be forever grateful for that because not only do I love him, I need him.  He is part of my soul and I wouldn't be complete without him.  Here is the problem, he struggles.  It's hard to watch.  He doesn't always breathe normally.  He breaths way too fast- almost panting at times.  His chest rises and contracts too far and he doesn't always look comfortable. I am used to this and actually pretty immune to it.  It's always brought to my attention when someone else holds him and it reminds me that he isn't like my other babies.  That his normal isn't really all that normal.  Last week reminded  slapped me in the face.  Easton got sick.  He caught a viral infection (clearly a stomach bug) that nobody I know has.  I should add that this kid is pretty sheltered.  Very few people get to touch him and he isn't around all that many people- WAY less than my other babies were. Anyways, this shouldn't be a big deal.  Happens to everyone.  Well, it was a big deal.  He got dehydrated enough in 12 hours to spend 3 days in the hospital.  His breathing was extremely fast and labored.  His coloring was terrible and he even turned totally white on me twice.  Really?  For a stomach bug.  Is this really how his body is going to respond when he gets sick?  Is this going to happen every time a germ blows by him?  If so, this is a long road.  My heart hurts for him.  It's no wonder he isn't the happiest baby on the block- his life isn't easy.  Thats the other hard part.  I spend all my time trying to make his world a better place.  I try so hard to make him smile, make him comfortable, make him feel the love.  I'm just not sure I am getting through to him yet.  I won't give up, I'm pretty persistent.  He'll get there.  He has no choice.


  My emotions change on how I feel about the situation.  Sometimes I am mad that this happened to my family.  I feel like I got screwed out of the first month of my sons life.  Sometimes I am sad.  So sad that he went thru so much and I am not even sure how much he felt, how much pain he was in or if he was scared.  Sometimes I'm grateful.  Grateful that I have this experience to change me into a better person.  There is only one thing that doesn't change and its that I know Easton was meant for me.  I know I'm supposed to walk thru this with him.  I know I'm supposed to help him and protect him and make him smile.  I'm supposed to make sure he is OK.  Lately, its feeling like a lot of pressure.  Like the whole world is on my shoulders.  I'm usually pretty level headed and can handle the pressure.  I'm not gonna lie,  I feel a little scared. Maybe a little out of my league.  It's funny I feel that way now that we are on the mend.  Well, thats what they say.  They say we are recovering.  You know, out of the woods.  I still feel a little in the woods.  Maybe I am paranoid.  Wouldn't you be?  The image of them intubating my son, the image of them bagging him as he lay limp, the image of his body so swollen from the medications, they are clear as day in my mind.  Why won't they go away?  It's over so they should leave, right?  Hopefully, soon.  Even if they are always there- maybe they could be a little less vivid.  I think part of the overwhelming feeling is trying to find time in the day to meet the needs of my two and four year olds as well.  They are so good and so patient with me.  Its like they get it.  They know Easton needs a little more.  It doesn't mean they like it but most of the time, they cut me some major slack.  I wish it weren't that way.  I wish all three could get their needs met at once but thats just not going to happen right now.


This is the life we chose. We chose a life with three young kids.  We always said we would love and accept whatever God gave us- and we do.  A lot.  Easton should improve dramatically over the next six months to a year and with that the fear should lessen and more normal chaos should ensue.  I look forward to the day we all breathe a little easier- no pun intended.

The truth about having 3 young kids... it's hard!

Batman Party for the 4 year old.

Minnie Mouse Party for the 2 year old.

First of all, I am so embarrassed at how long it has taken me to write another post.  This whole three kids thing is NO JOKE!  Anytime you see a Mom juggling three small children acting like its no big deal- She's lying! If there is one thing I can't stand in life- it's when Mom's don't admit to how hard parenthood can be.  It doesn't make you a bad parent or mean you don't love your kids if you come out and tell the truth that it can be complete chaos.  Mom's need to stick together,  even commiserate every so often.  Its good for the soul:) With that rant out of the way, here is whats happening in my life.  Its not all rainbows and butterflies but as crazy as it is, its our life and we are figuring it out.  So much to update and some pictures to share.  First of all, we have had some birthdays.  Carter turned "4" on May 30 and Miss Paige was "2" on June 21.  

New Cinderella Bike

All business about these presents.

My kids are just like their Mama and they LOVE to get some presents.  Paige was so excited she couldn't speak and  Carter was so excited he was squealing. I must say, I can't blame them.


The two "big" kids have been doing pretty well adjusting to their new baby brother.  Carter loves him so much and is always keeping tabs on him and letting me know when I didn't burp him well enough and reminding me constantly that if I would have done it right the baby wouldn't have thrown up.  It's always nice to have a four year old tell you how to parent.  Paige's entire day is consumed with gathering paci's and blankies and following me around the house with them so she can care for HER baby.  Apparently she owns Easton.  My sweet, princess Paige is turning into a little terror.  Do not be fooled by the golden locks of curls, bright blue eyes and winning smile.  This girl can tear a house up!  She is sassy, smart, adorable, such-a-typical-2-year-old, and maybe more than a tiny bit naughty (gasp!)  Right now her favorite thing to do is take off her diaper and leave it in random places around my house.  Why don't I potty train her you may ask?  Allow me to share, I can hardly find time to get to the bathroom myself, my baby cries a lot and doesn't sleep, my kids attempt to antagonize each other at every waking second and basically I'm too tired!  Sorry, its the truth.  Other than that- things are smooth sailing:)  No really, its not that bad.  Well, maybe a little bad but definitely not terrible.  


Matt and I have been looking for something to do in the summer.  We love the sun and hate being stuck in the house when its nice out.  We decided to buy a pontoon to keep on Lake Fenton.  We have only been out three times and already think its probably the best purchase ever made.  Carter and Paige love swimming and Carter even met up with his friend on he lake and went tubing.  (What is he, 14?)  

Snoozing in his SPF 50 tent.  Yes, he also has a fan.

Why am I wearing this hat??

Easton has been doing well.  He is a tricky baby.  Shocking, I know.  He isn't much of a sleeper and he likes to holler at us.  To be honest it makes me kind of sad.  I literally try so hard to make him happy and sometimes it just doesn't work.  Carter and Paige were good babies.  Slept well and not very fussy.   He is a different story.  I know he has been through so much but I'm hoping he comes around soon as starts to enjoy us.  I just keep telling him that I love him even if he is bitter:)  His breathing has improved dramatically.  He seems much more comfortable and it doesn't seem to be such an effort anymore.  Our latest concern is his weight.  He is 8 weeks old and only weighs 7 1/2 pounds.  He only gained 6 ounces in the last 3 weeks and he should be gaining 5-8 ounces per week.  The most concerning part is that he eats all the time.  We have a couple new strategies we are trying out and will see the doctor next Wednesday and hope to see some improvement.  Regardless of all the issues, he is my little man and I think he is way too cute!  Everyday I count my blessings to have him in my home.  I still can't believe everything that happened to him and I will never take for granted the miracle of his life.


I was able to write this post because of a small miracle happening in my house.  All three kids napping at once.  That miracle is now over.  I must tend to my favorite little people.  

Let the real madness begin...

We are home.  All of us.  Clark, Party of Five is under one roof.  Thank you, God.  Easton was discharged on his actual due date after four long, agonizing weeks.  We couldn't be happier to have him home.  He is doing really well.  He is eating great and his breathing has improved tremendously.  He is still a tiny guy weighing 7lbs at 5 weeks but I have a feeling that will change in no time at all.  We have scheduled his baptism on his Daddy's Birthday so it should be a great day all around.

Birthday Girl

Big Brother

A little bare butt and a lot of screaming:)

Three kids under four.  Sounded like a good idea at the time...and it still is!  It is madness!  We have only been doing it for a week and it is an adventure.  I actually like the challenge of parenthood.  I like to own the responsibility and figure it out.  Its not something you can plan.  There are no time tables and schedules are a joke.  We eat breakfast in the morning, nap after lunch, dinner when Matt gets home from work, bed before 10:00 if we are lucky.  It doesn't get more specific than that.  I am all about loose planning right now.  Carter is four and so grown up all of a sudden.  He is so cute and sooo in love with his baby brother.  Paige Ruby just had her 2nd birthday and she is as sassy as she is cute!  Easton is finding his spot in this clan.  He likes to holler at us often but I personally think he is just trying to show off his improved lung function so I am perfectly OK with it.



Right now we are a little confined to our house.  Easton is starting to improve but has a hard time breathing fabulously in the car seat if in it for too long.  (Can I just add that if you all remember correctly I was confined to the house for 105 days on bed rest and now I'm stuck again.  Am I really that dangerous to society if left out of my house? I'm beginning to wonder if I am supposed to be getting a hint here!)  Anyways, we are so looking forward to summer.  It was a long winter with Mama in bed and  besides it was super cold so not much fun for the kids.  We would love to go up north for the 4th of July and I keep asking Easton if he thinks he will be able to get it together by then so we can go.  He is undecided at this point but I will keep on him.  I believe he will rally.  I mean, this kid rocks.  I have the rest of the summer off for my official maternity leave (even though I haven't worked all year, Thanks Mom!) and am looking forward to watching Carter race around on his scooter, Paigey ride her new princess bike, Easton sleeping in my arms, and some awesome neighbors to take it all in with.   Let's talk about these neighbors.  They couldn't be any more awesome if they tried.  This whole experience from pregnancy to NICU, they have supported us in every way possible.  They visited us, made us meals, plowed our driveway, let our dog out, had a shower for me, bought gifts, prayed and loved us thru it all.  And to think, we only met a year ago.  I was drawn to this street when we were looking for a house.  I had to live here.  Now I know why.

Neighbors chalking a Welcome Home sign.

Neighbor kids and the finished product.

So that's it.  I think I am going to leave this post as is.  It's pretty uneventful and normal.  Nothing scary, no drama.  Just life.  I like it.  We have newborn pictures for Easton this weekend and a Minnie Mouse party for our two year old.  I'll be sure to post pictures next week.  Thanks again for all of your prayers and continued support.  We are forever grateful.

Whatever happens, keep my paci in my mouth.  Please.

Reading books.  Yes, I know Paige is wearing
mismatched boy pajamas.  She wanted to.
I'm trying REALLY hard to be OK with it;)

24 days and counting...

It has been 24 days since Easton entered the world and changed life as we know it. There is an expectation that goes along with having a baby.  You expect labor to hurt and you expect to be exhausted after but its all OK because you also expect you will have a perfectly healthy baby as a result.  Being a third time Mom, I was really blown away that this experience wasn't like the last two.  I knew the pregnancy was difficult but I had made it to the "safe"point.  So instead of worrying about the baby being healthy, I worried about what to pack in the diaper bag.  How many blankets should I bring?  How many options do I need for  his coming home outfit.  Should I bring my own pacifiers?  You know, REALLY important stuff.  I'm still trying to process this unexpected experience.  Actually, I'm still trying to figure out if this is really happening or if I am going to wake up soon and realize it was just a dream.  It's a lot to absorb.  But so worth it when you see how far he has come.  
From This:

 

To This..

First time holding off the ventilator!

Attempting to eat.

Strongest boy you will ever know.

They say motherhood is the hardest job in the world.  I used to agree with this statement to a certain extent.  I mean, its hard but it also just becomes your life so you get used to it.  It has great rewards so it always seems worth it at the end of the day.  This journey as Easton's mother is like the ultimate "Mother-Load!"  He has only been here for 24 days but he has moved me, scared me, challenged me, taught me, inspired me, forever changed me, and made me more of a believer in the Lord above than ever before.  I'm forever changed.  I could have gone my whole life without this experience, trust me on that, and been fulfilled but I wouldn't understand the concept of gratitude or ever know the fierceness of a Mother's fight like I do now.  My whole family will be better because of this.  This journey is not over and our boy is still sick but I know I can handle whatever comes my way next.  I will admit I am a little nervous to bring him home.  I'm not sure just how fragile he will be.  I don't have experience with a sick baby but the one thing I know- I'm up for the challenge.  I will learn everything I can about him, protect him, trust my instincts and love him with everything I have.  I pray this will be enough and if it's not- I will find a way to do more.  I'm so glad I get to be his Mom because he is one special boy with a strong will for life.  Raising him should be quite the adventure and I can't wait for it.

I've been thinking a lot about the word GRATITUDE:  a positive emotion or attitude in acknowledgment of a benefit that one has received or will receive.  This is my new favorite word.  However, it doesn't even come close to describing how I feel about the Neonatologists, Nurses, and Respiratory Therapists at Hurley's Neonatal Intensive Care Unit.  How am I supposed to thank these people or express my gratitude for saving my son's life?  So many times he was slipping away and they found a way to save him.  When one course of treatment didn't work, they would all put their heads together and come up with something else.  The nurses stayed late, Dr. Rahman (director of the NICU who took over Easton's care) was there on his days off.  These people didn't give up on Easton.  Everybody did their part and more than that- they cared.  They cared that this little boy have a shot at life.  They didn't give up on him because he was a difficult case.  They could have shipped him out to another facility when he wasn't responding to treatment but they knew he wouldn't make the flight so they worked harder.  They SAVED MY BABY.  How in the world do I thank them?  What words could I possibly say?  I'm stuck on this.  I have to do something.  I have to get the point across but I can't even explain it to myself what I feel for them.  I've never had such respect for a group of people in my life.  I will forever be trying to express my gratitude but in the meantime, I will just keep repeating myself with thanks. 

I could write for days about all the things floating around in my head.  I probably will write several more posts about this because this is my life.  I feel like this is the kind of thing you read about or hear about and can't imagine it- but this is my reality.  This is my life and as soon as I am home for more than 2 hours a day at a time- I'm going to have a lot to deal with.  As I work my way thru this- I'm sure you will all be around for the ride because this blog is a great outlet for me.  I'm tired and I have another long day ahead of me so this is all I have for tonight.  Please keep praying for little Easton's body to continue to heal and for him to have the energy to eat. Thank you to all of the TEAM EASTON supporter's for rockin' your bracelets no matter what outfit you are wearing;)

One more thing... Let's not forget about these guys because they are the ultimate troopers and they are missing their Mama and Daddy:

**I promise to keep up on the blog better once I have my whole family under one roof**

Easton Edward Clark

I have gone back and forth about wanting to write a post at this time.   This post was supposed to be different... or so I thought.  I wasn't sure how painful it would be to write or if I even wanted to remember the feeling of this experience in such a raw state of emotion.  I don't know if there is a right or wrong answer to those questions but I have chosen to try and write this post regardless of how bad it hurts.  The reason is because it is Easton's story. There isn't much I can do as I sit here next to him besides support him, try and comfort him, pray for him, and tell his story like any proud Mom likes to do.  And, boy am I proud.  Here it goes.  This is the story of Easton Edward Clark's life- so far!  He WILL have many future posts, pictures and updates.  I just know it.

(I'm unable to load pictures to this site under Hurley's network so this will just be words.  Trust me he is beautiful and you can always check Facebook to see his beautiful face.)

Easton was born on May 18, 2011 at 1:59pm.  It was a quick, easy delivery and he came out screaming!  He screamed louder than my other kids and we were so relieved that he was OK after such a rough pregnancy.  After delivery they set him on my belly for just a second so they could clean him up and have the NICU doctor check him out.  He weighed in at a whopping 6 pounds 7 ounces and was 19 inches long.  His apgar scores were perfect and I was told he was doing great and wouldn't need a trip to the NICU.  Matt and I held him and then let family in to hold him as well.  My body was so numb from a fantastic epidural that I was OK with passing him around as I tried to get my bearings.  I didn't know that would be my only chance to hold him in the near future.  I really regret taking those first few moments for granted.  As we all smiled and talked about how cute he was, we all noticed he was making a noise that sounded like cooing at first.  It was cute for awhile but then I got a sinking feeling that something was not right.  I got him back in my arms and noticed that his hands and feet were really blue.  I brought attention to it and was told that it was OK in the first 24 hours for that to happen as long as his body stayed pink.  Something told me otherwise.  I have always had a great Mother's intuition with my other kids and was actually hoping I was wrong this time.  I wasn't.  Just as they were going to wheel me down to postpartum I asked the nurse again if he was OK.  She told me that she could call NICU again if I wanted her to.  The NICU Dr. only had to walk into the room and hear the sound to whisk him away in a flash.  This is the moment my world changed forever and I didn't even know it.  

Easton arrived in the NICU and was put on the non-critical side because they just thought he had "wet lungs."  No big deal.  Give a little oxygen and send him on his way in 24 hours.  Once again, I had the feeling it was more than that.  All the nurses and doctors told me otherwise and I remained the crazy person who didn't believe them.  I was still in the hospital myself but got up every single hour to come check on him thru the night.  It didn't take long for his little nasal canula to be switched to a Sipap machine and then to a ventilator.  My son was on a ventilator. Try that statement on for size. I could hardly get the words out. What?  How did this happen?  I couldn't touch him.  They didn't want me to talk around him because ANY stimulation made his levels drop.  There are no words for the helplessness I felt in those moments and still feel today.  I am his Mother.  How can I not only not help him, but hurt him if I touch him?  I could go on and on with the details but there is no point in reliving that.  Obviously his condition worsened and he found himself in very critical condition.  The chest X-Ray on day two showed a complete white out.  (White is not good on an X-Ray.  Black is good.)  We were in a tiny, tiny room and the doctor looked right at us and said, "You have a sick, sick baby.  Very Sick.  Cross your fingers."  Not exactly what I was looking for.  Before you judge his delivery of news, let me tell you that this is a smart man.  He started this unit 34 years ago and has been saving babies daily ever since.  He scared me at first because he is extremely direct and tells you exactly how it is.  I've come to understand him and like him.  How could I not, he saved my baby's life on Saturday and is working daily to continue to do so.  I could care less about his delivery at this point! 

The diagnosis so far is:  PPHN (Persistent Pulmonary Hypertension in Newborns) and we believe an infection of some sort.  Cultures are negative but all blood work shows that infection is in the body.  Could even be viral but something else is going on.  Doctors have worked hard to make a connection as to why this is happening and why this case is so severe without much luck.  They have combed my medical records and all lab work I had during pregnancy but cannot link the two.  They have also tried to find something in the heart that would be causing this but after four Echocardiograms and two visits from  Pediatric Cardiologist's, there doesn't seem to be blame there either.  One of his doctors put it this way:  "Every now and again, you get a case that humbles you as a physician.  This is that case."  I wish we were more of a standard case with standard answers but thats not how we do it in this family.  We like to stand out in a crowd, be a little different, and little Easton is taking it to a whole new level.  He is making his own way and I am fine with it and I will ride it out with him, but he HAS to come out on top!  He just has to.  That's all there is to it.  God is watching, I can feel it.

The ups and downs of this journey are torturous.  I could try to explain it to you but it is not possible.  We live minute to minute, not day by day.  Things change that fast.  Literally.  You have a couple of good tests in a row and just as you take a deep breath, you get the wind knocked out of you before you can exhale.  When you get good news, you want to jump up and down but you can't.  You just can't do that to yourself.  You force yourself to be optimistic but your body has a protective mode that tries to shelter you and keep you prepared.  Bodies are amazing.  I must tell you that you would not believe what your body does in a situation like this.  You really can stay up without shutting your eyes at all for days on end.  You can survive without eating when your body won't accept it.  You can continue to put one foot in front of the other when you want nothing more than to curl up in a ball.  You can change your voice to sound like life is good when your two and four year old want to talk to you on the phone.  People don't know how we are doing this and credit us for being so strong.  What choice is there?  We can't lay in a corner and not fight the fight with him.  Easton isn't giving up so how can we?  Don't get me wrong, we take our fair share of sad times.  We cry, we feel paralyzed and can't move, we have to walk out of the room to catch our breath, but when push comes to shove- we stand up.  We move forward and we brace ourselves for the news.  We pray for good and we pray even harder when its bad.  We love this little boy with all our hearts.  We will never give up on him and we will continue to be by his side each and every step of the way.

There are images and scenarios that are imprinted in my brain that I will never forget.  The most excruciating being when we were sure we were going to lose him.  I will never forget what my husband looked like slumped over in his chair while he watched the Dr. bagging his little boy.  People moving smoothly and methodically trying to not lose his little life.  I couldn't watch but I could hear.  I heard that he had 15 minutes until they air lifted him to another facility.  I also heard that he wouldn't make the flight.  I know exactly what Matt looked like. His hair, clothes and expression on his face.  I remember that I couldn't cry at that moment.  All I could do was look at my husband and tell him I loved him.  You don't always react how you think you would.  It's so strange.  This experience has rocked my world.  It is no exaggeration that his precious little life has been touch and go several times in the last 10 days.  He is an amazing fighter with incredible strength and courage.  I am so proud to be his Mama.  He was chosen for me and I am able, willing and ready to care for him, love him, and rally for him day and night.

This whole experience has changed me.  I will never be the same.  I think I have always been a good Mom, but I know I will be a better Mom from now on.  I'm not saying I am superhuman and my kids won't drive me crazy.  Trust me- they will.  I'm just saying that I will never take them for granted.  I will never just be thankful that I have them.  It has to be more than that.  I understand how precious life is.  I understand the value of one good minute and I understand how quickly life can change.  I'm going to do my best to live in the moment.  To literally try not to sweat the small stuff.  To appreciate each and every day with the ones I love and to know how blessed I am to have them.

I also want to give credit where it is due.  Our families have stepped up to the plate to help us through this in a huge way.  Our parents have taken care of Carter and Paige (which is no easy task) without blinking an eye.  Other family members have entertained them, brought us food, visited us and showed an unwavering support.  Friends are also helping and spreading the message of his story in hopes of sending more prayers his way.  Thank you is not enough but all I have for now- I thank you with everything I have.

To: My Matthew,

I'm not sure why this is happening to us but I could not get thru this without you.  You are as strong as they come.  You carry me thru this and you inspire any strength I have.  God has us together for a reason and together we can do anything.  I hope you can draw strength from me as I draw from you but one thing is for sure:  Together, we can and will do this.  We will support Easton and give him the best life possible in our happy home.  Thank you for all you do and who you are.

Lindsay

*Please keep praying for our little boy.  He deserves a chance at life and we so badly want to show him what its all about.  We are dreaming of the day when someone says these words, "We are FINALLY out of the woods."