Quarantine. What does this mean to me? It means taking away all of the coping mechanisms I have been taught to survive in this world. It has taken me nearly 30 years to figure out how to live in a way that isn't destructive. That isn't harmful. That isn't mean (to myself.)
You see, I have all the things. Recovering Anorexic, severe depression, extreme anxiety. I've suffered for so long in so many ways and worked SO DAMN HARD to find not the answers, but the right things for me to help me live a life that I can feel and enjoy. A life that I can be present in and participate in. I've been to the worst and the best treatment centers in the United States. I've been on every drug you can name. I've done it. I've tried it all. Some things made me worse. Some things made me numb. Some things helped me feel real. I would say that the last 5 years of my life were where I actually participated in the fight to save my soul. To be clear, you can have a life and friends and children and the best husband and family and still not participate in any of it. You can be physically present for it all and not be there in any other sense. Its hard to wrap your brain around but I know it way too well.
I finally have felt like I have a grip on what I need to be ok. I've let got of everyones expectations of me and I truly dont take on any judgements from others. I make all my decisions with intention and thought and if I'm good with it- that's all that matters. This doesn't mean that I want to let people down and I want to piss people off- that's not it. What it means is that when I hit the pillow at night, I have to be OK with what I have done during that day. I've learned that I have to medicated. I've spent my entire life trying to convince people that I am tough enough to do this on my own. That I can control my feelings and my issues. I am the toughest broad I know, therefore I am FINE. Wrong. I'm so not fine. I've learned what medications work for me. I do not feel numb. I feel happiness and I cry over sadness. I am present but stable and for the most part, I've made my life doable... and even enjoyable!
So, no we are on
Personally, I've lost all the tools I use to be OK. For example:
I have no personal time. Time to sit with myself is important to me. It quiets the chaos in my head. It slows me downs. Currently, my children follow me everywhere. I shower, they come in as if I am not naked and washing my hair. I go to the bathroom, they are outside the door asking a dumb question. I read a book in my room, they come in to show me something I dont care about on their ipad. I want to ride in the car- they beg to come. ZERO breathing room and I am suffocating.
I lost my gym. The gym is more than a hobby. It provides socialization and my fitness. As a recovering anorexic, my workouts are extremely important to me and without them- I dont eat. Period. I have an issue. Workouts are how I maintain it. That is gone. I do have a home gym and my training is finally going well again thanks to my amazing coach/friend. I did take about 3 weeks to be in florida where I ate very little and felt terrible about myself. I think I am getting back on track but the struggle to get there is just insane. This is a HIGE test to me. I'm ready to rally but the month long fight has been exhausting.
Friends. Not seeing friends is hard for me. I can be an introvert even though I appear the opposite. Getting me to the gym each day means I get dressed and out of the house. Something I didnt use to do. I used to always just go to dinner with Matt or my family. I have worked really hard at becoming social and doing girls trips and trying to do once a week out with friends because it is GOOD for my soul. Its interactions I crave yet have not allowed myself to do. I've worked hard to build that social calendar. I've worked hard to get out in the world. And, now I cant.
Activity. Not having any errands to run or places to go plays with my brain. It makes me feel useless. It makes me feel lazy. Those things like to translate into my brain as a reason to punish or not eat. On the flip, I want to compete in the fall so I have to eat to do that. The chaos in my brain is so exhausting. I'm exhausted from doing nothing.
Here is what I want to do. I want to lay in my bed and sleep it away. But, then I feel lazy and then I want to get up and do all the things and be a super Mom and the cleanest housewife and blah blah blah.
Guys, I am WITH YOU. I am SUFFERING. I am TRYING. I'm trying to remain calm and stable with all my coping tools being stripped away. I'm trying to find gratitude and peace. I'm trying to just survive. That's the bottom line- at this point survival will win.
I know we are all bored and stir crazy. The world also appears so judgy. Lets all just do what we have to do to get through this time and save your judgments on other peoples behavior and action for another time. Say...a time when we aren't in a national pandemic crisis. You all do you. Do what you have to do. Be Safe and know that I'm in the fire with you. We will walk through to the other side. We WILL make it.