I haven't been sleeping well. At all. Most of you know that I am the worlds worst sleeper when I do not have medication to help. The crazy part is this- if I am doing just fine, this medication knocks me out unconscious like I may not know if the house burned down around me. BUT, if my body is feeling anxiety- doesn't work at all. Its mind boggling to me how intelligent and intuitive the body really is. So, this morning I rolled out of bed feeling all sorts of grumpy and tired and my kids said "Mom" at least 4,634,902 times. I have no idea why. Its like they know. I actually didn't lose my shit on them which I was proud of but I knew I had to lay right back down after I got them on the bus and push my gym time back. And, then it came. Ugh. As I laid there and tried to rest I got that terrible, overwhelming feeling of hotness and the feeling where I need to climb out of my skin. I laid on one side of the bed. Then the other. Then, as crazy as I know this is- I tried laying at the opposite end of the bed where it might have less of my body heat and I could be cooler. Then my hands felt like needles, then I felt like I couldn't breathe, then I wanted everything to shut down. Its legit the worst feeling. I actually did the right thing for once in my life and managed to get to my purse and swallow a xanax. I spent the next 15 minutes just praying and wishing the tightness in my body would release and that my head would stop and thats all I remember. I woke up at 12:10 in the afternoon. My body felt sore. Groggy. Tired. All the lovely after maths of a good old fashion anxiety attack but I was OK. Mainly pissed I lost half my day.
Here is what I want to say about that. I really am doing well. I'm happy. I've found a rhythm to life that works and I'm learning to TRY to take care of myself on days that don't feel right. But, this STILL happens. It can be unprecedented. It can be random. It can be come before the realization of something that is bothering me or it can come after. Its a disorder. I do take medication. It still comes and goes when it wants. Here is the difference. Today- it came, it went and then I decided to rise. This is where I differ from years before. Once my head became clear, I still went to get my eyebrows done (super important), went to get my son a new pair of pants and hit the grocery store. I still have to get to the gym, organize my kids so they are ready for the next few days as I leave on a little "getaway" and I need to pack my bags. Usually- I'd have chosen to give up today and today I choose to reclaim what is left of the day. Life is not perfect, nor am I. I will say this, I am giving it every ounce of what I have. Everyone has some challenge, I just hope and pray that they can find a way to live with it and not let it steal their life as it did mine for many years. Thats the biggest victory of all time: knowing your shortcomings and accepting and acknowledging them instead of allowing defeat.
On to better things! So….. I did the thing. I did the fitness show. I still cannot believe for one second that I actually did that. TWICE! Here is the thing. I like to do hard things. I like to challenge what I am made of. So here I am, a horrible anorexic in recovery that will not even get on a scale at the doctors office- standing in a skimpy bikini on stage in stripper heels being JUDGED on her body. I mean, what in God's name could have been more of a personal challenge?!
The first show I got 1st Place in Masters and 1st Place True Novice. I was 2nd Place in Novice and Open. The second show I was 1st Place in Masters and 1st Place in Open. Mission Accomplished. I couldn't be more proud of myself not for the body I have created- but for the courage I had.
Im sort of in an in-between stage with my fitness obsession right now. I'm all set with shows. I came, I won, I'm moving on. I'm still killing it at the gym on a daily basis. A new gym, that is.
Something happened to me that I've debated talking about. I'm going to say very little but I am going to bring it up because its important and it affected me greatly. One week before my second show which is an extremely mentally and physically challenging time- I was assaulted in my gym by a woman in her mid-40's. The cops were called and I went back and forth with pressing charges. In the end, I did not because I truly feel sorry for the woman that did this to me. Who, at that age, that is a mother would actually do this to another woman? This woman needs more help than an assault charge will bring her. Sadly, I had to fight very hard to get my membership terminated at the gym as they saw nothing wrong with this happening inside their doors. I was treated with complete disrespect and am grateful I had a backbone and was willing to stand up for myself. I've heard this woman who hurt me wanted me gone for whatever reason… and my friends, I walked out that door and never ever looked back. Her victory has been achieved and I can only hope she rests well at night and that she feels accomplished.
However, its worth noting that I still got my ass on stage 7 days later and kicked some royal ass with TWO first place wins. Having someone actually put their hands on you is devastating and violating and very hurtful and I'm not talking physically. Bruises fade but memories remain. My guard is up and I'm a little gun shy of new people but I got right back out there and I am still doing my thing. My way.
My family is doing great. We had an incredibly busy fall. Paige played soccer and danced twice a week. Carter continues to play soccer for the Celtics and absolutely crushed the season of Flag Football. Easy is not wheezy (yay!)…AND he played soccer and flag football. We (Matt and I) ran our booties off getting these kids to everything and we are finally on a small hiatus until mid-November with the exception of dance. I begged Matt for a small getaway for us before more chaos and he is whisking me away tomorrow to my favorite place on earth.
Thanksgiving, my absolute least favorite day of the year is coming up and we are planning to spend it with the Babes in my favorite place AGAIN! Cold weather came and in my usual fashion- I hit the keyboard in booking trips to get me away from the cold. Its so bad for my personality.
There you have it. Life at is rawest. The good, the bad and the ugly. At the end of the day, I'm still full of gratitude for the life I do get to live. Keep rising, friends. Its the only way!
I'll leave you with a few pictures of my life.