Sunday, July 24, 2011

"Healthy Baby"

This post is just to clear my head.  Its more of a journal entry than anything else.  I'm so exhausted and filled with concern that I can't even think straight.  Hopefully spilling it all here will give my mind a break.


You know that phrase when a pregnant woman gives the correct answer in response to the common question of which gender of baby she prefers, and she answers, "I don't care as long as the baby is healthy."  I gave that answer.  I made sure not to be too greedy and to really be able to accept either a boy or a girl with a happy heart.  I actually meant it.  How about this?  How about if your baby isn't healthy?  Then what?  Then that whole saying isn't really adequate, is it?  What if your baby comes out and can't breathe or has a crappy set of lungs- those super important organs necessary to breathe which in turn are necessary to live.  What if you have to watch your baby struggle every.single.day for a month in the hospital not knowing for a couple weeks if he will even live?  I guess that makes that question about gender a bit less important.  Maybe we should be asking tougher questions.


My heart could quite possible explode from the love I have for this child.  Never in my life did I dream I would have a baby that wasn't "perfectly healthy."  The perfect part he has nailed down, the healthy part we are still working on.  I cannot believe I was naive enough to just assume that my baby would be healthy.  Maybe it was arrogance assuming those things wouldn't happen to me.  Whatever it was, it was wrong.


I would like to just be able to get over this whole experience.   Move on. Thank God that its over...which I do.  The only problem is that it doesn't really feel over yet.  Yes, I am confident he will live and I will be forever grateful for that because not only do I love him, I need him.  He is part of my soul and I wouldn't be complete without him.  Here is the problem, he struggles.  It's hard to watch.  He doesn't always breathe normally.  He breaths way too fast- almost panting at times.  His chest rises and contracts too far and he doesn't always look comfortable. I am used to this and actually pretty immune to it.  It's always brought to my attention when someone else holds him and it reminds me that he isn't like my other babies.  That his normal isn't really all that normal.  Last week reminded  slapped me in the face.  Easton got sick.  He caught a viral infection (clearly a stomach bug) that nobody I know has.  I should add that this kid is pretty sheltered.  Very few people get to touch him and he isn't around all that many people- WAY less than my other babies were. Anyways, this shouldn't be a big deal.  Happens to everyone.  Well, it was a big deal.  He got dehydrated enough in 12 hours to spend 3 days in the hospital.  His breathing was extremely fast and labored.  His coloring was terrible and he even turned totally white on me twice.  Really?  For a stomach bug.  Is this really how his body is going to respond when he gets sick?  Is this going to happen every time a germ blows by him?  If so, this is a long road.  My heart hurts for him.  It's no wonder he isn't the happiest baby on the block- his life isn't easy.  Thats the other hard part.  I spend all my time trying to make his world a better place.  I try so hard to make him smile, make him comfortable, make him feel the love.  I'm just not sure I am getting through to him yet.  I won't give up, I'm pretty persistent.  He'll get there.  He has no choice.


  My emotions change on how I feel about the situation.  Sometimes I am mad that this happened to my family.  I feel like I got screwed out of the first month of my sons life.  Sometimes I am sad.  So sad that he went thru so much and I am not even sure how much he felt, how much pain he was in or if he was scared.  Sometimes I'm grateful.  Grateful that I have this experience to change me into a better person.  There is only one thing that doesn't change and its that I know Easton was meant for me.  I know I'm supposed to walk thru this with him.  I know I'm supposed to help him and protect him and make him smile.  I'm supposed to make sure he is OK.  Lately, its feeling like a lot of pressure.  Like the whole world is on my shoulders.  I'm usually pretty level headed and can handle the pressure.  I'm not gonna lie,  I feel a little scared. Maybe a little out of my league.  It's funny I feel that way now that we are on the mend.  Well, thats what they say.  They say we are recovering.  You know, out of the woods.  I still feel a little in the woods.  Maybe I am paranoid.  Wouldn't you be?  The image of them intubating my son, the image of them bagging him as he lay limp, the image of his body so swollen from the medications, they are clear as day in my mind.  Why won't they go away?  It's over so they should leave, right?  Hopefully, soon.  Even if they are always there- maybe they could be a little less vivid.  I think part of the overwhelming feeling is trying to find time in the day to meet the needs of my two and four year olds as well.  They are so good and so patient with me.  Its like they get it.  They know Easton needs a little more.  It doesn't mean they like it but most of the time, they cut me some major slack.  I wish it weren't that way.  I wish all three could get their needs met at once but thats just not going to happen right now.


This is the life we chose. We chose a life with three young kids.  We always said we would love and accept whatever God gave us- and we do.  A lot.  Easton should improve dramatically over the next six months to a year and with that the fear should lessen and more normal chaos should ensue.  I look forward to the day we all breathe a little easier- no pun intended.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

The truth about having 3 young kids... it's hard!


Batman Party for the 4 year old.

Minnie Mouse Party for the 2 year old.

First of all, I am so embarrassed at how long it has taken me to write another post.  This whole three kids thing is NO JOKE!  Anytime you see a Mom juggling three small children acting like its no big deal- She's lying! If there is one thing I can't stand in life- it's when Mom's don't admit to how hard parenthood can be.  It doesn't make you a bad parent or mean you don't love your kids if you come out and tell the truth that it can be complete chaos.  Mom's need to stick together,  even commiserate every so often.  Its good for the soul:) With that rant out of the way, here is whats happening in my life.  Its not all rainbows and butterflies but as crazy as it is, its our life and we are figuring it out.  So much to update and some pictures to share.  First of all, we have had some birthdays.  Carter turned "4" on May 30 and Miss Paige was "2" on June 21.  
New Cinderella Bike
All business about these presents.
















My kids are just like their Mama and they LOVE to get some presents.  Paige was so excited she couldn't speak and  Carter was so excited he was squealing. I must say, I can't blame them.


The two "big" kids have been doing pretty well adjusting to their new baby brother.  Carter loves him so much and is always keeping tabs on him and letting me know when I didn't burp him well enough and reminding me constantly that if I would have done it right the baby wouldn't have thrown up.  It's always nice to have a four year old tell you how to parent.  Paige's entire day is consumed with gathering paci's and blankies and following me around the house with them so she can care for HER baby.  Apparently she owns Easton.  My sweet, princess Paige is turning into a little terror.  Do not be fooled by the golden locks of curls, bright blue eyes and winning smile.  This girl can tear a house up!  She is sassy, smart, adorable, such-a-typical-2-year-old, and maybe more than a tiny bit naughty (gasp!)  Right now her favorite thing to do is take off her diaper and leave it in random places around my house.  Why don't I potty train her you may ask?  Allow me to share, I can hardly find time to get to the bathroom myself, my baby cries a lot and doesn't sleep, my kids attempt to antagonize each other at every waking second and basically I'm too tired!  Sorry, its the truth.  Other than that- things are smooth sailing:)  No really, its not that bad.  Well, maybe a little bad but definitely not terrible.  


Matt and I have been looking for something to do in the summer.  We love the sun and hate being stuck in the house when its nice out.  We decided to buy a pontoon to keep on Lake Fenton.  We have only been out three times and already think its probably the best purchase ever made.  Carter and Paige love swimming and Carter even met up with his friend on he lake and went tubing.  (What is he, 14?)  


Snoozing in his SPF 50 tent.  Yes, he also has a fan.






Why am I wearing this hat??
Easton has been doing well.  He is a tricky baby.  Shocking, I know.  He isn't much of a sleeper and he likes to holler at us.  To be honest it makes me kind of sad.  I literally try so hard to make him happy and sometimes it just doesn't work.  Carter and Paige were good babies.  Slept well and not very fussy.   He is a different story.  I know he has been through so much but I'm hoping he comes around soon as starts to enjoy us.  I just keep telling him that I love him even if he is bitter:)  His breathing has improved dramatically.  He seems much more comfortable and it doesn't seem to be such an effort anymore.  Our latest concern is his weight.  He is 8 weeks old and only weighs 7 1/2 pounds.  He only gained 6 ounces in the last 3 weeks and he should be gaining 5-8 ounces per week.  The most concerning part is that he eats all the time.  We have a couple new strategies we are trying out and will see the doctor next Wednesday and hope to see some improvement.  Regardless of all the issues, he is my little man and I think he is way too cute!  Everyday I count my blessings to have him in my home.  I still can't believe everything that happened to him and I will never take for granted the miracle of his life.


I was able to write this post because of a small miracle happening in my house.  All three kids napping at once.  That miracle is now over.  I must tend to my favorite little people.