Thanksgiving. Not my favorite.

Thanksgiving.  It’s just not my favorite day.  Don’t get me wrong.  I am extremely thankful for the blessings in my life and I certainly know what they are.  In fact, “gratitude” is probably the underlying message in my parenting.  We are trying to raise our kids in a home where the word is not only used but also understood.  I would venture to say that 80% of the time my kids are in trouble- its for not expressing gratitude when they should.  We are aware of the gifts we have been given, the life we live and our family and friends.  I am personally so grateful for this life and I don’t think I need a day to express it because I hope I live it. 

Battling an eating disorder for so many years of my early life, a holiday centered around food was a nightmare.  It was never a day to look forward to but more of a day of high anxiety and dread.  Fear.  It wasn’t about family and thankfulness, it felt like a day to see what Lindsay would do.  A day in the spotlight. For about 13 years in a row, it was a day set up for failure. So, ten years later, I still don’t love Thanksgiving.  But, I do love Florida so that’s where I try to spend it.   

This day each year is sort of a marker in my life and what I’ve been through and also overcome.  The date of “Thanksgiving” has no significant value but rather it was always a hard day for me so each year I feel reflective on this day.  Recently, I’ve been very grateful for my body.  Not what it physically looks like but what it actually does.  I tortured this body for years and years and years.  I made it operate and function with no fuel.  I pushed it to limits it shouldn’t have sustained.  But, it did.  Exactly 10 years ago this month, I was told that I had reduced function on the left side of my heart.  My bones were brittle and were in the beginning stages of Osteoporosis.  I was in a wheelchair and on a feeding tube in the random state of Oklahoma all by myself without my family or friends.  It was probably the 19^th or 20^th time I had left home for treatment but this time was different.  This time was on my own account.  This time I wanted to save my own life.  The details that followed over the next 4 months in Oklahoma are not important.  It was a painful medical and psychological journey back to health.   I was supported by those who love me and I was tough enough to endure the battle.  During that time, I was also told that I might have done too much damage to have children.  I have three.  Again, my body deserves some major gratitude and not just on Thanksgiving.  This thing is a machine and will rally when it needs to!

Everyone sees a lot of posts about my fitness.  It’s more than vanity or a hobby.  It has turned into a way of life.  I believe in it and I believe my body and mind deserve to reap the benefits of what fitness does.  I’ve always been “skinny.”  I’ve made sure of that.  Lately, I’m navigating through a new goal.   I want to be strong.  I want to be tough.  I was thinking about it.  Anyone can be skinny.  Now STOP!  It’s really true.  Anybody can be skinny.  All you have to do is be hungry.  Its science.  You don’t put calories in your body- you will lose weight.  Trust me on this… I tried it.  What some people may lack is the willpower it takes to be skinny but you can certainly lie on your behind and literally do nothing (including not eating) and be skinny.  I don’t want to be just that.  I want to be something that takes effort.  Serious determination, commitment, fight, and most of all, mental toughness.  When I leave this Earth, I hope I am remembered as a capable human.  In order to do that you have to have the mental toughness.  This can be tested in many different ways.  Throughout my life I’ve been challenged often.  The obvious being able to overcome a disease at a late stage.  Another time was when I was ordered to bed for 5 months of complete bed rest while pregnant and not even allowed to shower daily!  I still can’t believe I did that without becoming certifiably insane.  Then there was the ultimate test of almost losing my Easton.  Being mentally tough was imperative to not fall apart and fight with our baby. Thankfully, my latest craze is less dramatic.  It’s  fitness.  Getting over my fear of not being the skinniest person I know.  Trying to ignore the number on the scale and focus on what this crazy body will do.  Throwing weight greater than my actual weight over my head and diving under it may not be a skill you have to do in life, but the fact that I can do it is kinda badass and I happen to be thrilled about it.  I want to be clear.  Everyone wants a body they think looks good.  I have already accepted the fact that I will never be happy with the way I look.  I will always wish something were different.  I’m getting over that.  The reason I workout the way I do is because of the challenge.  Every single day I go in for a workout and think to myself, “I’ll never be able to do it.”  Then, I do.  Usually even better than I thought.  The urge to want to quit when it’s too hard, too heavy, too long, too whatever is the challenge I feel good about.  The reason:  I’m not a quitter.  I get it done.  I leave with a sense of accomplishment.  For me, it’s not about beating people (unless its Matt) or about lifting more than someone.   Honestly, I’m just lucky this body still works at all.  It’s deeper than that.  It’s where I have come from, where I am trying to go and how I will maintain along the way.  I'm a lifetime away from ten years ago and I can't imagine where I'll be in ten more.

So, Thanksgiving.  Still not my favorite day.  However, I’m grateful that my lovely husband took the kids to the movie so I could actually get my thoughts out.  I’m also grateful that my three kids might be the cutest on the planet, that my sister finally had a baby girl, that my parents never gave up on me, that my husband refused to marry me until I was healthy, that my Kimmy moved from Cali, to lululemon for making comfort cute, for God and his many blessings and for sunshine in the sky.  

Oh. Em. Gee.

Whoa.  Its been more than a little while since I have found my way to this screen.  Man, I have been buuussssyyy!  Like, really busy.  Not the kind of busy when you think you have a  lot to do.  I'm talking crazy, insane, not enough hours in the day busy.  It all started a little like this…

One ordinary day near the end of June, I got a little bored.  I'm really wishing I remember what that actually feels like but… Anyway, I found myself stumbling upon the forbidden app:  Realtor.com.  Realtor.com should be illegal if you don't need a new home.  You should have to pay high fees to have access to all the homes that you think you should have but do not need.  It's like crack to me.  I get on there and I like to set my price limit way out of my range just so I can see what is available for me to try and convince my husband to "need" as well.  I get addicted real quick.  I should probably note that my house was not even for sale at this point.  As I am doing my daily search, I find this beautiful, large brick ranch sitting on 3 acres that just so happens to be in the school district of my choice and not too far from Grand Blanc.  I do a little drive by and decide this could work.  I go home and set my plan into motion.  I somehow slip this ideal home into a dinner conversation with poor Matty and entice him with pictures. I can tell his interest is peaked but he gently  loudly reminds me that we agreed not to move after I conned him into a $17,000 decorating upgrade just 6 months ago:)  SHOOT!  Forgot about that. Anyways, I contact the realtor because I need to see this baby for myself.  Imagine my surprise when Matt says he will just "look" at it with me!  You see, I am a smart woman.  I know that Matt has always wanted a ranch and I know he wanted a little land not inside a subdivision.  I played my cards just right.    After we walk through it and know we need it, Matt finally asks how much it was.  SHOOT, AGAIN!  I might have forgot that I like to set the price above what we should really do.  One thing leads to another.  I continue to profess my love for the home and an offer is made.  An offer is countered.  Another off is made.  Another offer is countered and waala, I get to sign a purchase agreement.  Oh, but wait.  We are in Las Vegas and the offer expires in 24hrs.  Perfect.  Don't worry, I would love to remove myself from the Holy Sun Gods I was worshipping to spend $75 printing and emailing from the MGM Hotel.  Don't worry I did it and next thing you know, I have a new home!  SHOOT, FOR THE THIRD TIME!  I already have a  house!  Next, we go absolutely crazy cleaning our house out.  Basically having a Facebook firesale one random day that was actually hysterically funny to watch.  I had no idea that all my hoarding would eventually become so amusing! Then the real tragedy began.  Have you ever tried to have your house "show ready" with 3 kids living in it?  I mean, is this even humanly possible?  I tried my best but, holy sh*t, that is no joke!  A lot of drama, a lot of tears and a lot of nervous breakdowns (mainly on my part) and the house got an offer!  Oh, wait!  Did I mention that I was planning the 3rd annual Team Easton Gives Back Benefit in the middle of this?  Because, I was.  So the day the offer comes in went a little something like this.  We were having a fundraiser for the benefit at FroYo nation from 4-8.  Offer comes in and is agreed upon at 2:30.  Purchase agreement was signed electronically from our phones in the middle of Froyo Nation in between talking to all the people that came out to see us.  That offer came exactly one week before the benefit and with the contingency that we were out in 2 weeks.  Awesome.  No big deal.  Sure thing, this family of 5 can somehow move all of their stuff out of a house they have been in for 5 years without a single box or movers and have that place spic and span for you.  Just let me stop by Warwick and raise a quick $30,000 for a good cause while I am at it.  Like I said, Oh. Em. Gee.  Guess what folks? We did it!  It wasn't pretty and I wasn't happy but it is done.  My house is BEAUTIFUL.  My kids are thriving in a new school district.  I'm still working.  Matt is still dealing with me.  All is well.  Here are a few pics of life with the Clarks:

Our New Home.  <3

First Day!

Learning to Love the Birthday

I've been grumpy this week.  Really tired even though I have gotten enough sleep.  Lethargic even though I have eaten well and worked out.  Something was off.  Just as I was getting super annoyed with myself, I figured it out.  I hate Easton's birthday.  I know, I know, its a TERRIBLE thing to say.  I'm practically the Birthday Queen.  Everybody knows how I feel about my birthday but I actually love everyones birthday.  Everyones except my own son.  Its heartbreaking.  On his first birthday, I cried.  On his second birthday, I was numb.  His third birthday is in two days and I just can't stand myself.  People (including my own husband) feel like his birthday is a time to celebrate him and be thankful we have him.  Obviously, I get that.  When I think of Easton today, I think of a super funny, adorable,  mohawked "normal" toddler.  The problem is when I think of his Birthday, I cringe.  It was the start of the absolute most helpless, tragic, frightening, painful experience of my life.  I realize it is selfish to make his Birthday about my feelings and I promise I will figure out how to do this better- but at the risk of sounding overly dramatic- it feels like there is a little post traumatic stress or something that happens. I mean, I didn't even buy my own son a single birthday gift this year.  I sent Daddy to do it.  What kind of Mother doesn't buy her son birthday gifts?  Apparently, this one.  It is so out of my character.  I'm never this disengaged.   

From this day forward, I am going to do better.  I'm going to work really hard at being thankful this time of year instead of sad.  As much as I LOVE THE HURLEY NICU, I never go.  I talk to lots of people from there but I rarely walk through the doors.  It is the place that saved my sons life but its also the place I watched him almost die…multiple times.  My blood pressure rises and I start to get sweaty and my stomach hurts when I go there- so I don't.  This year Easton's birthday is on Sunday and his Primary nurse is working.  We are going to get up, go get some birthday treats and thank those sweet souls inside the NICU for the fact that he is here to have his 3rd birthday.  Sometimes life is about lessons learned.  I'm learning as I go how to be the Mom of a son I almost lost.  Its important to me that he is treated normally and just like my other kids.  On the flip side, I need to work on letting those hard and scary feelings come back to me and not blocking out what life handed us.  We are better for the struggle and Easton is certainly the strongest little boy I know and my hero.

Sending Strength

So many drugs

That poor little chest!

Team Easton !

Fighting

1st Birthday!

2nd Birthday!

The Miracle.

You can check out some posts from May 2011 to see how far we have come.  

Thanks for all the prayers the last few years.  This "little guy" ( as he refers to himself) is going to be just fine.  

Updates from the Clark's

Oh Man!  It's been over two months since my last post- just as I swore I would get better about this.  I think about writing a blog almost every day if that helps in any way. I'm a busy girl, what can I say?!

So... I went on the coolest trip ever in February.  It was a little trip we like to call "Mom's Spring Break 2014!"  I hadn't been on a girls trip since I have been married.  I missed all my friends bachelorette parties because I happen to get married first and was pregnant during all of their parties.  Those who know me know that there was no way I was going to a party while pregnant when the mere act of standing upright threw me into labor time and time again!  Needless to say, this was over due.  My parents have an awesome home in Florida that we are able to use whenever we feel like it.  I am constantly offering to take people there and nobody really ever takes me seriously.  Until this time.  I sent out one text to two of my favorite people (they're NICU nurses, of course I love them!) that said something like "Want to go to Florida?"  It took about 20 seconds for both to reply, "I'm in!!"  That, my friends, is how it is done.  It was a PERFECT 4 days.  We had the best time.  We had a lazy time. We had a rowdy time.  We ate, drank, laid in the sun, chatted, and I even got these two non-worker outers to do Crossfit in the driveway.  It was perfection.  We were rockstars during the day and in bed by 9:00 just like all cool Mom's should be.  We were carefree during the day and then participated in FaceTiming each others families at night.  It was awesome.  It will be repeated.  Yearly.  Heres is a little glimpse inside Mom's Spring Break 2014.  Thanks Krista and Meredith for such a fun trip!

Normal.

HEAVEN!

Bottoms Up

We love the Lanai Kai

Sweet Krista

"We'd like those drinks with a 151 floater, please."

Whoa.  This was quite the day.  

During CrossFit

Her mood the entire day after Crossfit.

Next up was a quick trip to Orlando for Matt's Annual Sales Meeting.  His company spoiled us rotten and entertained us nightly.  It was a great trip!

"Breaking Barriers" Party

Matty and I

Next up is a trip with our babes to our favorite place.  Can't wait to see their little tan booties running on the beach!

We came home and had a little excitement.  My beautiful, sweet, innocent, insane daughter decided she would bust her face wide open for the second time in 5 months.  This one didn't require glue like the first one.  This was the real deal.  Stitches.  Yuck.  She hasn't quite figured out that she is supposed to be the calm one.  She may be pretty and wear dresses every day but she is rowdier than any boy, any day!

Such a good sport!

I volunteer in Carter's classroom twice a week on my lunch break.  When field trips come around, I like to sign Matt up since I already spend my fair share of time doing the good deed.  It may have been a little mean when I signed him up for the MSU bug house.  You know, since he is terrified of spiders and many bugs.  Never the less, he went because he is that good of a guy!  He was so brave.  Carter's teacher was so proud of his braveness that she even sent me these pictures.  Not sure who had more fun on this trip...

COCKROACH

Trantula

Best Buddies

My little dreamboat

It's never a blog without a little Easton update.  The.  Kid.  Is.  Crazy.  

He's almost three and hitting the naughty stage with a vengence.  I have stories that could go on for days about how I bust him getting in trouble but I'll just give you one quick typical example.  Easton no longer wears a pull up to bed which means that fluids must be cut off relatively early in the night.  One night at 10:00 he woke up wanting water.  I said "no way."  A few minutes later I hear him downstairs.  I wait about 10 minutes and find him in his room with 3 different cups (which he had to scale the counters to get) chugging water out of his bathroom sink!  When I busted him, he just smiled and said "sowwy Mama."  Needless to say, I was up every 20 minutes for the rest of the night taking him pee! 

Easton had ear tubes before his first birthday.  He then had to have them removed in November because they got "stuck" and were causing his ears to bleed daily.  Yes, it was disgusting.  Since then, I have felt like Easton is always yelling at us.  I finally took him in for a hearing test and sure enough he failed!  He was sitting on my lap with his headphones on and kept looking at me asking, "What did she say, Mama?"  It was a safe bet right then and there that he wasn't passing that exam!  More tubes will be put in next month so he can hear us again and hopefully stop yelling!   This will be the 5th time he has been under anesthesia in less than three years.  This poor kid just smiles through it all. We love our Easy E, even if he is more work than any other human alive.


See, I have been busy!  Life is good.  Such a crazy adventure with these three little people in my world.  My whole world I wanted to be a busy Mom and now that I am, I spend every day reminding myself that this is exactly what I wanted.  They keep me on my toes and they fill my days with more than I could ever imagine.  I'm thoroughly exhausted and just as much fulfilled.  At the end of the day, I know I am living a life of purpose guiding these little ones through.  If they would let me sleep at night, their guidance may be a little clearer!  

That's the latest and greatest with the Clark's. 

Little Love Bugs.  Quite the Handful

Parenting… and the never ending break.

It's been a while.  Tis the season it was for falling behind…thats what I am blaming it on at least.  







I'd like to start this blog out by saying that I notice my children.  I study them and I memorize bits and pieces of what they look like at this very second and who they are today.  For example, Paige has the most perfect, porcelain doll nose I have ever seen.  

On some days her bed head in the morning looks better than any blow-dry you could ever pay for (some days not,) and the way she talks when she is really into a story by making up details you know aren't true but you can't correct her because she is too darn cute and her voice….ahhh, so  sweet.  I also will never forget how she can make my blood boil like no other human in the world.  That spunk… she may have a 1/2 dose more than she needs!  Then there is Carter.  I can picture his tiny little teeth that seem like are never going to get loose.  He is like my little golden boy- you cannot get more handsome than him.  The love notes he leaves me and the way he spells big words he has never used before… I can't even deal.  Its like heaven.

 He loves me in a way the others don't.   I'm not saying they don't love me- but Carter is so sensitive to me and he makes sure I know he's my boy.  But, oh how I wished over break that he would stop tackling his siblings.  And, why does he have to be the worst sport in America if we try to play a game with him?  And, it would be cool if he could eat dinner in under an hour!  Lastly, my Easy.  

Whom there happens to be nothing easy about.  He has the cutest little chip in his from tooth that defines his personality perfectly.  His eyes are like looking into my own and the redness that develops in his checks during the winter months… I can hardly refrain from eating him up.  When I look at him every day of my life, I am reminded of a miracle.  It NEVER leaves me.  I still can't believe he is here and quite frankly, I'm not sure how he is.  That being said, he really doesn't need to wake me up 5 times a night because I already tell him during the day I am grateful for him.  The weird obsession with thinking I am actually going to give him 50 cups of milk a day when I have never given him more than three, could stop any day.  Those tantrums that he likes to throw every time he doesn't get what he wants, well, they are just embarrassing and we are over it.  

I love my children more than anything in the universe.  I know I am here in this world to raise them and I will not let them down.  I will guide them, love them, care for them and try to release them into the world to do great things.  However, that Christmas break did not need to be SOOOO long.  I feared we would never return to normalcy and I nearly lost my marbles.

I love to read FB posts about how awesome everyones kids are.  Of course they are, so are mine!  That doesn't mean they aren't super annoying too! Or, my favorite is how people were excited to have a  few more days home with their kids.  Really?  That is 100% cool for you.  Hopefully, you are serious and not just stating it on FB so the world knows you are the most awesome Mom ever to live.  Here is why:  Personally, I'm pretty confindent in my Mommy-ness.  I think I have got this down.  I try to make them eat healthy, I have a ban on fruit snacks and very rarely give in to fast food.  My kids have very appropriate bed times that I stick too.  I annoy them every day of their life about teeth brushing and "screen time," I make them use their manners, they clear there plates from the table without being asked.  Oh, and I was so domestic that I made snow ice cream with them on the Snow Day. So there, I rock too.  But, guess what.  I also yell at them.  I don't yell because I am proud of it.  I yell because I have had all of their hearing checked and yet they claim they can't hear me half of the time, and the other half… they just ignore me.  It's ridiculously annoying.  You know what else I do, I look at my phone too much.  I'm working on that one.  I can keep myself from looking at FB when they are next to me but if a text goes off or the phone rings, you would think a fire alarm just sounded in my house.  Like, I said- I'm working on it.   Here is another.  Some days I actually count the hours until bedtime.  This is not because I don't love them and don't want to see them but rather because they are exhausting creatures.  Perhaps not having all three of these angels in under four years would have been better planning but not much I can do about that now.  Don't worry, friends.  Once they are asleep, I kiss them all before I go to bed and again in the middle of the night.  See, I'm a good Mom.  Even if I like it when my kids are finally quiet for five minutes of my life.

The pressure of being a Mom is outrageous these days.  I'm a huge fan of social media but I do think its part of the pressure.  While its very cool to have these venues for people to connect with others, it allows for the sharing of a lot of opinions.  Some not always wanted.  (Have you ever seen my husbands FB posts?  Holy Moly.)  For me, I love Facebook.  I like it because it is such an easy way to be connected. I love seeing pictures of my friends kids from college or hearing someone is getting married.  I love to know when a friends niece needs prayers or when someone passed away.  It keeps me in the loop.  I'm nosey and the loop is where I like to be.  I'm not really someone who is influenced very easily.  I'm hard headed and I have my own way of thinking.  That doesn't mean it is right, it just means that I think it is and good luck trying to convince me otherwise.  Parents, please don't compare yourself to all the Do-gooders you read about.  We only know what people put out there.  We don't know what happened after you posted your picture of being the craftiest Mom alive on a snowy day and we don't know what you fed your kids for dinner.  It. Doesn't. Matter.  Do they best YOU can do for your kids.  Some days you will suck.  It happens.  Move on and try to suck less the next day.  My goal is raise kids who feel secure and loved and have a little confidence.  In my home, you aren't getting any Martha Stewart-y business and I may  will yell at you if you act like a fool.  But, you can bet your ass I'd go to bat for any of my kids, any day of the week.   Yes, they also hear a few swear words but,  I love them more than they (or you) will ever know.   Let's just try to keep it real, shall we?  Amen.

Now that I am done preaching, here are some pictures of the Fam.  

They steal my space.

Annoying

Because, you love it.

Paige Ruby Clark