Saturday, May 28, 2011

Easton Edward Clark

I have gone back and forth about wanting to write a post at this time.   This post was supposed to be different... or so I thought.  I wasn't sure how painful it would be to write or if I even wanted to remember the feeling of this experience in such a raw state of emotion.  I don't know if there is a right or wrong answer to those questions but I have chosen to try and write this post regardless of how bad it hurts.  The reason is because it is Easton's story. There isn't much I can do as I sit here next to him besides support him, try and comfort him, pray for him, and tell his story like any proud Mom likes to do.  And, boy am I proud.  Here it goes.  This is the story of Easton Edward Clark's life- so far!  He WILL have many future posts, pictures and updates.  I just know it.

(I'm unable to load pictures to this site under Hurley's network so this will just be words.  Trust me he is beautiful and you can always check Facebook to see his beautiful face.)

Easton was born on May 18, 2011 at 1:59pm.  It was a quick, easy delivery and he came out screaming!  He screamed louder than my other kids and we were so relieved that he was OK after such a rough pregnancy.  After delivery they set him on my belly for just a second so they could clean him up and have the NICU doctor check him out.  He weighed in at a whopping 6 pounds 7 ounces and was 19 inches long.  His apgar scores were perfect and I was told he was doing great and wouldn't need a trip to the NICU.  Matt and I held him and then let family in to hold him as well.  My body was so numb from a fantastic epidural that I was OK with passing him around as I tried to get my bearings.  I didn't know that would be my only chance to hold him in the near future.  I really regret taking those first few moments for granted.  As we all smiled and talked about how cute he was, we all noticed he was making a noise that sounded like cooing at first.  It was cute for awhile but then I got a sinking feeling that something was not right.  I got him back in my arms and noticed that his hands and feet were really blue.  I brought attention to it and was told that it was OK in the first 24 hours for that to happen as long as his body stayed pink.  Something told me otherwise.  I have always had a great Mother's intuition with my other kids and was actually hoping I was wrong this time.  I wasn't.  Just as they were going to wheel me down to postpartum I asked the nurse again if he was OK.  She told me that she could call NICU again if I wanted her to.  The NICU Dr. only had to walk into the room and hear the sound to whisk him away in a flash.  This is the moment my world changed forever and I didn't even know it.  

Easton arrived in the NICU and was put on the non-critical side because they just thought he had "wet lungs."  No big deal.  Give a little oxygen and send him on his way in 24 hours.  Once again, I had the feeling it was more than that.  All the nurses and doctors told me otherwise and I remained the crazy person who didn't believe them.  I was still in the hospital myself but got up every single hour to come check on him thru the night.  It didn't take long for his little nasal canula to be switched to a Sipap machine and then to a ventilator.  My son was on a ventilator. Try that statement on for size. I could hardly get the words out. What?  How did this happen?  I couldn't touch him.  They didn't want me to talk around him because ANY stimulation made his levels drop.  There are no words for the helplessness I felt in those moments and still feel today.  I am his Mother.  How can I not only not help him, but hurt him if I touch him?  I could go on and on with the details but there is no point in reliving that.  Obviously his condition worsened and he found himself in very critical condition.  The chest X-Ray on day two showed a complete white out.  (White is not good on an X-Ray.  Black is good.)  We were in a tiny, tiny room and the doctor looked right at us and said, "You have a sick, sick baby.  Very Sick.  Cross your fingers."  Not exactly what I was looking for.  Before you judge his delivery of news, let me tell you that this is a smart man.  He started this unit 34 years ago and has been saving babies daily ever since.  He scared me at first because he is extremely direct and tells you exactly how it is.  I've come to understand him and like him.  How could I not, he saved my baby's life on Saturday and is working daily to continue to do so.  I could care less about his delivery at this point! 

The diagnosis so far is:  PPHN (Persistent Pulmonary Hypertension in Newborns) and we believe an infection of some sort.  Cultures are negative but all blood work shows that infection is in the body.  Could even be viral but something else is going on.  Doctors have worked hard to make a connection as to why this is happening and why this case is so severe without much luck.  They have combed my medical records and all lab work I had during pregnancy but cannot link the two.  They have also tried to find something in the heart that would be causing this but after four Echocardiograms and two visits from  Pediatric Cardiologist's, there doesn't seem to be blame there either.  One of his doctors put it this way:  "Every now and again, you get a case that humbles you as a physician.  This is that case."  I wish we were more of a standard case with standard answers but thats not how we do it in this family.  We like to stand out in a crowd, be a little different, and little Easton is taking it to a whole new level.  He is making his own way and I am fine with it and I will ride it out with him, but he HAS to come out on top!  He just has to.  That's all there is to it.  God is watching, I can feel it.

The ups and downs of this journey are torturous.  I could try to explain it to you but it is not possible.  We live minute to minute, not day by day.  Things change that fast.  Literally.  You have a couple of good tests in a row and just as you take a deep breath, you get the wind knocked out of you before you can exhale.  When you get good news, you want to jump up and down but you can't.  You just can't do that to yourself.  You force yourself to be optimistic but your body has a protective mode that tries to shelter you and keep you prepared.  Bodies are amazing.  I must tell you that you would not believe what your body does in a situation like this.  You really can stay up without shutting your eyes at all for days on end.  You can survive without eating when your body won't accept it.  You can continue to put one foot in front of the other when you want nothing more than to curl up in a ball.  You can change your voice to sound like life is good when your two and four year old want to talk to you on the phone.  People don't know how we are doing this and credit us for being so strong.  What choice is there?  We can't lay in a corner and not fight the fight with him.  Easton isn't giving up so how can we?  Don't get me wrong, we take our fair share of sad times.  We cry, we feel paralyzed and can't move, we have to walk out of the room to catch our breath, but when push comes to shove- we stand up.  We move forward and we brace ourselves for the news.  We pray for good and we pray even harder when its bad.  We love this little boy with all our hearts.  We will never give up on him and we will continue to be by his side each and every step of the way.

There are images and scenarios that are imprinted in my brain that I will never forget.  The most excruciating being when we were sure we were going to lose him.  I will never forget what my husband looked like slumped over in his chair while he watched the Dr. bagging his little boy.  People moving smoothly and methodically trying to not lose his little life.  I couldn't watch but I could hear.  I heard that he had 15 minutes until they air lifted him to another facility.  I also heard that he wouldn't make the flight.  I know exactly what Matt looked like. His hair, clothes and expression on his face.  I remember that I couldn't cry at that moment.  All I could do was look at my husband and tell him I loved him.  You don't always react how you think you would.  It's so strange.  This experience has rocked my world.  It is no exaggeration that his precious little life has been touch and go several times in the last 10 days.  He is an amazing fighter with incredible strength and courage.  I am so proud to be his Mama.  He was chosen for me and I am able, willing and ready to care for him, love him, and rally for him day and night.

This whole experience has changed me.  I will never be the same.  I think I have always been a good Mom, but I know I will be a better Mom from now on.  I'm not saying I am superhuman and my kids won't drive me crazy.  Trust me- they will.  I'm just saying that I will never take them for granted.  I will never just be thankful that I have them.  It has to be more than that.  I understand how precious life is.  I understand the value of one good minute and I understand how quickly life can change.  I'm going to do my best to live in the moment.  To literally try not to sweat the small stuff.  To appreciate each and every day with the ones I love and to know how blessed I am to have them.

I also want to give credit where it is due.  Our families have stepped up to the plate to help us through this in a huge way.  Our parents have taken care of Carter and Paige (which is no easy task) without blinking an eye.  Other family members have entertained them, brought us food, visited us and showed an unwavering support.  Friends are also helping and spreading the message of his story in hopes of sending more prayers his way.  Thank you is not enough but all I have for now- I thank you with everything I have.

To: My Matthew,
I'm not sure why this is happening to us but I could not get thru this without you.  You are as strong as they come.  You carry me thru this and you inspire any strength I have.  God has us together for a reason and together we can do anything.  I hope you can draw strength from me as I draw from you but one thing is for sure:  Together, we can and will do this.  We will support Easton and give him the best life possible in our happy home.  Thank you for all you do and who you are.
Lindsay

*Please keep praying for our little boy.  He deserves a chance at life and we so badly want to show him what its all about.  We are dreaming of the day when someone says these words, "We are FINALLY out of the woods."

Friday, May 13, 2011

This and That


Where to begin...  It's amazing how much happens in a weeks time.  First off, I will start with this crazy pregnancy update that annoys me but many find interesting.  A couple of days after I was last discharged from Hurley, I was back there with contractions 1-2 minutes apart.  Without providing too much information to some readers, other things had progressed and I was admitted to labor and delivery and expected to have our baby.  These contractions continued for several hours with no other progressions.  My doctor could not help to make the labor move along because I was only 34 weeks.  Basically this means I got to have back to back contractions that hurt like you know what and I did not get a baby out of it!  I was offered a lot of pain medication but wasn't sure I wanted to take it if I wasn't having a baby.  After a few hours the decision was that I would stay where I was for a few hours and if nothing changed they would move me back to the Antepartum floor.  It took about 2 minutes of hearing that news that both Matt and I decided that wasn't happenin'!  I just got home from there two days ago and I have children that would like to see their Mother from time to time.  I hit the call button and struck a deal.  I would stay for 3 more hours and if nothing happened, I was going home on oral pain medication and I would leave AMA if necessary to relieve my doctor of any medical liability.  Sure enough, after a total of about 12 hours of back to back contractions, everything subsided.  The nurses could not believe that the contractions just stopped.  They were so sure I would deliver that they already called down to NICU to put me on their board for an early morning delivery.  It was really awful.  It wasn't even the disappointment of being admitted to labor and delivery and then discharged without giving birth, it was more that I wasn't sure how I was going to manage that level of pain at home.  The next morning I went to see my doctor to make sure nothing had changed at home.  Nothing had and she let me know that she didn't want me in that pain at home and that at any point I could check into the hospital for pain management with Stadol (my favorite drug ever) or Morphine.  I really love Dr. Hardas and  I completely understand that her hands are tied.  She can't induce my labor at this gestational point just because of pain but she has such compassion, understanding and empathy for what this is like.  I should clarify that the pain is from two issues.  The first and most severe is location.  This baby is in a place that he shouldn't be until much further into labor.  The second is the constant contractions I endure.  Constant meaning most of the day, just a few minutes apart.  I just keep telling myself that he is not coming out for a reason.  He must not be ready.  I don't think there is any way that I would be forced to go through this if it wasn't for a reason.  I am better equipped to deal with the pain than a tiny baby would be with a different struggle.  I'm no longer enjoying it, but I can and will do it until he is good and ready to join this world.  Hopefully, this will be SOON!  I'm so glad this is happening during my third pregnancy and not my first or there may not have been a second;)


On a brighter note, I was lucky enough to get to celebrate this baby with friends twice this week!  My friends from the fabulous Oak Street took me to dinner, gave me gorgeous gifts and a brought a delicious cake.  I could, should, and probably will dedicate a whole post to this awesome neighborhood that we moved into.  It has the BEST people living in it and we couldn't be happier to have these people in our lives.  I also had a luncheon with some of the most important ladies in my life.  It was a gorgeous day and we actually got to enjoy lunch outside.  I received great gifts for my little boy and loved the company.  I still feel lucky despite the craziness in my life.


Next up was Mother's Day.  We had a great day.  We started the day with breakfast with Matt's Mom and Dad at Bob Evans.  Down on the farm is always a guaranteed delight.  My husband and kids got me the best gift.  They decided that this year Mama didn't need flowers.  Mama was gonna need a drink after this baby finally makes his appearance!  They bought me the Margaritaville Margarita Maker. If you don't have one,  you should.  Check it out Here!  The kids played outside and we all hung out as a family.  For dinner we met my Mom and Dad, Tara, Diego,Cruz and Jagger for dinner at Redwood Lodge and a trip to the park.
Mother's Day 2011





This week has actually been kind of a blur.  I have been trying to take care and spend time with my kids and somewhat manage the pain without taking too many pills and being in a fog all day.  The good news is that the nursery is finally complete.  And, it's fabulous!
The Bathroom


Hopefully the next time I write a post it will be announcing my new baby boy!

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

A little Hurley and the big Thirty!



The lovely view from my room.
Checking on baby.

Yuck!  I won't miss these a bit.






Once again, I was fortunate enough to spend some time at my second home.  The big HMC!  This time my fluid levels were a little low so we checked in for some fluid, an antibiotic course and to keep a close eye on the little baby.  Pregnancy isn't supposed to be this difficult and I am looking forward to the end in sight.  I'm back home with my family where I belong for now.  I received my progesterone injection today which has been keeping me pregnant and only have to get one more next week.  I'm contracting like crazy but somehow I'm still pregnant.  I'm guessing we will have our new little man within the next couple of weeks.  Tomorrow I will be 34 weeks which was our goal.  It would be best to hold out a few more weeks but at least everyday now is just icing on the cake.  There were so many times I worried that he was going to come too early and it looked as though he would.  One of my friends (who also happens to be a labor and delivery nurse) recently told me that with all of my unexplainable issues it must be God's way of saying, "Don't ask questions, I've got it under control."  I think she is right.


This trip to Hurley was a little extra special since I had to spend my birthday there.  Matt decorated my room with balloons the day before to make sure everyone knew that the big day was approaching:)


When I first found out that I would not be released for my birthday, I was definitely a little bummed.  I thought about it for awhile and decided that crying over it wasn't going to help and that life could be worse, so I quit crying and got excited.  I love my birthday.  I always have.  I feel like a little kid every time it is approaching.  One would think that as I get older it would become less exciting but it doesn't.  I'm pretty sure it never will and I like it like that.  Turning 30 was even more important to me than usual.  You know it's a big birthday when Hallmark has special milestone cards for the event.  I usually don't think much about the next year but I must admit I gave this one some serious time.  Turning 30 feels like you have finally grown up.  A real adult.  I'm exhilarated by the mere thought of this.  I feel like I am still about 23.  I realize all of the responsibilities that I have but somehow never feel like I am any older.  People are always surprised when I tell them how old I am because I'm fortunate enough to look young.  (To ensure it stays that way, I started my 30th birthday morning with some new moisturizer and wrinkle cream.  Obviously.)  My twenties were great to me.  I graduated from college, married my husband, purchased two homes, had two children and another on the way.  I'm not sure the 30's can top all that, but I challenge them to it.  Bring it on because I am ready!  




I actually had a fabulous day on my birthday.  I had people in my room from 8:15am-7:15pm with only 20 minutes of alone time.  That is awesome!  The day started with Bob Evan's breakfast with My Mama, sister and nephew, Jagger.
Mimi and Jagger


My sweet new nephew.









Next up was a visit with Matt, Carter and Paige.  The kids loved my balloons and immediately attacked them upon arrival!  They also brought me some fabulous presents which made the visit a little sweeter.  I'll post just a couple of things for viewing pleasure.




I got LOTS of presents.  I'm sure it was because I'm so pleasant.
Pretty ring number 1
Pretty ring number 2
Always a good choice.


















The only delicious thing Hurley has ever served.

The nurses sent up a piece of chocolate cake for my birthday.  How sweet is that?
Cruzey shared my cake:)









At lunch time, I got to visit with Tara, Diego, Cruz and Jagger.  Cruz made my day.  I'm not sure if I have ever been asked more questions in my entire life and I loved answering every single one!  Next up were my friends Jill and Jena (Suzanne and Ian came the night before), Nate and Sarah, Barb and Denny, and then Matt and the kids again.  There was a lot of entertainment and laughs.  The day ended with my Mom, Dad, and Matt.  My parents brought dinner and my favorite Uncle Ray's Frozen Yogurt Pie.  Not to worry because Mom even thought to bring "Birthday Girl" plates and napkins- just like a real party. She knows I need that;) The pie was delicious and after I opened a few more presents which again makes me very happy.
Notice:  Typical Mom wrapping and Dad butchering my poor pie in the background!

New sparkly shoes make the compression socks better.
After all, it's always important to accessorize.
The day was great and I am so grateful for everyone who helped to make it the best it could be.  I have good people in my corner and its nice to have days where you get to feel special.  Can't wait to see what this year has in store for me.