Monday, November 14, 2016

Trust your gut!

I waited a minute to post this blog because I didn't want to place it in the middle of all the hate and anger on social media.  Is this Election over?  Can we all stop yelling at each other  and hating on everyone who doesn't think the same as us?  Most importantly, can Good Morning America go back to talking about other things I find far more interesting than those two individuals and can "This is Us" PLEASE stop being cancelled for debates and election coverage.  I like very few things on TV and I like that and I swear to God- its the only show that is cancelled almost every week!   Hopefully we can all rise up and move forward today just like we did yesterday and the day before and tomorrow.  I do not believe the world is going to end this week and therefore we better all keep plunging ahead.

This election actually made me think about something:  Control.  Control is something we all desperately grasp onto.  Whether it be something as important as having our vote as a means to try and control the Election or whether it be to control what people are going to do and say.  I grew up knowing that I could not control my surroundings.  I couldn't control things in my house, in my school and honestly in my own life.  This led me down a very rough path of destructive behaviors because that lack of control- was intolerable to me.  I needed control of something.  Since I couldn't control outside influences- I controlled my eating.  I could control that.  In a big and scary place- I taught myself from a young age that I could in fact find something to satisfy that need to control.  Something to put that anxiety into and into a place that was all about me.

Here is an example:  If you have children- you have learned that you cannot control another human on a whole other level.  This is supposed to be your dependent.  This is your child.  Do you really think you can make them sleep at 3AM if they just don't feel like it?  Nope.  Have you ever tried to get your child to stop screaming in a public place by bribing them with everything in the Universe?  Did they stop?  Probs not.  Mine never did.  How about the weather?  Cannot control the weather.  I actually feel connected to the Sun Gods and feel I can worship them well- but sometimes it still rains on my parade.  Its the way of life.   There are in fact things we just can not control, no matter how bad we feel we need to.

 People cannot control people.  We cannot control circumstances.  We can take action and try to sway things or prevent things from happening but at the end of the day- we can really only control our own actions and reactions- and if I'm being honest here, I cannot always control myself.  I definitely have a way I would like to react or handle things but a lot of times my mouth is not connected to my brain in the exact moment and I just say what I think without the filter process.  Here is another thing we can't control:  feelings.  This one is hard.  This one is the worst for me.  I come across to many people as cold and unapproachable and whatever- I get it.  However, that is not really the case.  I'm empathetic to a fault. Whenever someone is in a situation that I observe to be hard or scary or sad, I immediately try to place myself in their shoes.  I want to try on that suffering or fear and see how I make sense of it.  Obviously- I'm not like "Hey, give me a minute to react to you while I attempt to take a stroll in your shoes," but it happens on its own.  It gives me a new perspective on situations and usually helps me come up with better words to offer.  That works out well when its someone else.  How about when its me?  How about when I actually have to feel and dissect and react to my own feelings?  How about when I know they aren't what they should be? How about when I want them to change?  Yeah- so this is a different story all together.  I'm working through some stuff right now.  I have mixed feelings on situations that are hard to get through. I want to feel a certain way and do certain things and its really hard.  My heart and mind are often not in the same body.  Like they could not be more disconnected.  Throw my gut in there and we are practically in three different continents.  Here is what I am learning to trust.  My brain is annoying.  It needs to be tossed out of the equation all together because it likes to mix things up and spin them and complicate them and just make a mess.  So brain- out.  My heart likes to lead me.   I'm more sensitive than you think and it leads me to places I can get stuck in.  My heart is big.  Its giant and I think it barely fits inside my body because it often beats so hard that I think it might break out.  So my heart- its good.  BUT, it also gets me stuck.  The gut….bingo.  My gut doesn't lie.  Its the FIRST thing I try to feel when dealing with Easton and any health situation.  Its what tells me I can handle him at home, its what tells me he needs to be hospitalized and its what tells me when its safe to sleep and when I need to be awake to watch him.  The gut doesn't lie.  My gut is also what I need to look at with feelings.  My heart gets mushy, my brain is always a bad spot but there is a feeling in my gut that either tells me I'm right or I'm wrong.   The tricky part is I usually have to try the wrong before I get to the right.  But, eventually there is a place where it settles and I know just what to do.

The way I see it is that feelings and control go hand in hand.  We often feel a certain way and don't want to so we need to control it or can't and then hell breaks loose.  We start comin' out hot just like a boss trying to tell someone this or that or start changing things.  Usually, nine times out of ten, I bet that lands you right back where you started.  Its just a really hard thing.  For me, its all about figuring out what the controllables are and dealing with those.  Making myself understand the things I can't control and focus that energy somewhere else.  This often is just too hard for me.  A person with severe anxiety can't just say "Oh, OK.  That's out of my control…no biggie."  No way.  Someone like me needs to find an outlet of control.  This is where my fitness comes in.  My obsession with fitness doesn't hurt anyone.  It is all about me.  It only takes one out of twenty four hours and its something better for me to think about.  I look forward to that hour and I give it everything I got.  I put an entire days worth of energy into it and am now focusing on a meal plan that is fueling that workout so that I can actually see results of my effort.  This is what I mean:  I feel out of control in so many areas.  I picked an area I can control and I let my mind run with that.  It gives me a landing spot to come back to and it doesn't affect anyone else in my world.  Its a win-win.  Fitness isn't who I am, its simply what I do as an outlet and tool to carry me through.  And, hopefully I come out of it as a really jacked mother of three and if not- it was a hell of a lot better than crying on my floor, right?   Winning.

Thanksgiving is coming up.  If you have read this blog or met me in person- you know its my nemesis. Worst day of the year.  Here is my normal schpeal…Yes, I am thankful for a lot.  I do not need one day to tell people and I never will.  That day doesn't have a good track record with me and last year was the absolute icing on the cake as it began my decline of where I spent the evening locked in my bathroom on the floor crying and really didn't emerge from my house unless it was to go to the gym.  Not a good place to be.  This year- I am really hoping it feels different.  I'm for sure not celebrating Thanksgiving on the actual day.  I'll make sure my kids think a random day next week is the actual day and I'll make sure they have Turkey and stuffing and rolls and whatever else you are supposed to have and I will also promise you that not one single bite will be taken.  They will hate it and yell and not eat.  I'll make them express some gratitude in their life and then we are all going to move on and let that holiday go…  Don't judge.  Its not our best day.  However, we do Christmas REALLY well. We make up for our lack of Thanksgiving cheer and we go all out for the Christmas Season!

I certainly hope your Holiday season has you excited and not stressed.  They are just days, like all the other ones and the good new is we may have no control over them but they end every 24 hours!

 Trust your gut!

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