Friday, May 16, 2014

Learning to Love the Birthday

I've been grumpy this week.  Really tired even though I have gotten enough sleep.  Lethargic even though I have eaten well and worked out.  Something was off.  Just as I was getting super annoyed with myself, I figured it out.  I hate Easton's birthday.  I know, I know, its a TERRIBLE thing to say.  I'm practically the Birthday Queen.  Everybody knows how I feel about my birthday but I actually love everyones birthday.  Everyones except my own son.  Its heartbreaking.  On his first birthday, I cried.  On his second birthday, I was numb.  His third birthday is in two days and I just can't stand myself.  People (including my own husband) feel like his birthday is a time to celebrate him and be thankful we have him.  Obviously, I get that.  When I think of Easton today, I think of a super funny, adorable,  mohawked "normal" toddler.  The problem is when I think of his Birthday, I cringe.  It was the start of the absolute most helpless, tragic, frightening, painful experience of my life.  I realize it is selfish to make his Birthday about my feelings and I promise I will figure out how to do this better- but at the risk of sounding overly dramatic- it feels like there is a little post traumatic stress or something that happens. I mean, I didn't even buy my own son a single birthday gift this year.  I sent Daddy to do it.  What kind of Mother doesn't buy her son birthday gifts?  Apparently, this one.  It is so out of my character.  I'm never this disengaged.   

From this day forward, I am going to do better.  I'm going to work really hard at being thankful this time of year instead of sad.  As much as I LOVE THE HURLEY NICU, I never go.  I talk to lots of people from there but I rarely walk through the doors.  It is the place that saved my sons life but its also the place I watched him almost die…multiple times.  My blood pressure rises and I start to get sweaty and my stomach hurts when I go there- so I don't.  This year Easton's birthday is on Sunday and his Primary nurse is working.  We are going to get up, go get some birthday treats and thank those sweet souls inside the NICU for the fact that he is here to have his 3rd birthday.  Sometimes life is about lessons learned.  I'm learning as I go how to be the Mom of a son I almost lost.  Its important to me that he is treated normally and just like my other kids.  On the flip side, I need to work on letting those hard and scary feelings come back to me and not blocking out what life handed us.  We are better for the struggle and Easton is certainly the strongest little boy I know and my hero.

Sending Strength
So many drugs
That poor little chest!
Team Easton !


1st Birthday!
2nd Birthday!

The Miracle.
You can check out some posts from May 2011 to see how far we have come.  

Thanks for all the prayers the last few years.  This "little guy" ( as he refers to himself) is going to be just fine.  

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