Saturday, October 17, 2015

Its 5:30AM on a Saturday.  I don’t have to leave my house until 8:45AM but I’m up.  Earlier this week I got up at 3:30AM one day and 4:00AM a couple others so today must be my lucky day.  I slept in.  Lately, I’m always awake.  I’m awake fifty times a night.  I’m awake all day.  I literally spend very little times with these eyes closed.  I have anxiety.  Always have.  Comes and goes.  These days, I’ve got so much that I am convinced an entire bottle of Xanax would have no fighting chance at it.  It sucks, its not fun, my heart feels like its beating outside my body but there are days where you really do have to dig deep and rise up.  You know, embrace the struggle.   I’ve not seen my husband in two days.  He is here while we sleep but he is coming home after the kids and I are in bed and leaving before we are up.  I get it- it is his busy time of the year for work.  I know he is working for us and I’m doing my best by just trying to keep my mouth shut (which if you know me- is no easy task) and take care of these little humans that need me to… with or without sleep.  Here is why, I’ve learned that they could care less if I’m tired or anxious.   They still want help with things and to eat and to fight with each other and to have someone say their prayers and to complain and to eat again and to fight again and well, you get it.  They need me, no matter what.  Lets be clear, I said I’m trying.  I’ll tell you about Monday.  It went like this.  I was up all night.  I went to get out of bed and get my kids ready for their days and I was in a zombie like mode.  They wouldn’t listen.  They literally acted like I wasn’t even speaking. I had a headache too.  So, I went a little bat shit crazy on them.  I yelled at them.  I slammed doors.  I cried in my closet.   I made Matt “handle this shit” and be late to work.  It was really awesome.  One of my finer moments in life.  I decided I hated them all and that they could just figure this whole morning- do a million things and don’t miss the bus- thing out on their own.  Yeah, it was ugly.  Once I heard the door chimes signaling the coast was clear and they were all gone, I emerged from my closet to land in my bed where I stayed for three hours…even though I was supposed to be at work.  That was it.  I had a limit for functioning as a human and I had hit it.  I gave myself a break.  For three whole hours.  I stared at the wall, I closed my eyes, I felt sorry for myself and then I got up.  I dried the tears, put on some clothes and went into work.  I spent a couple of hours doing the things I needed to do there and then I hit the gym for a workout so intense that I could focus on nothing but that and trying not to die.  As soon as I survived that, I ran off to pick up my kids.  I bought them a pizza for dinner as a peace offering for my behavior in the morning and took them to FroYo for desert.  But, here is the thing.  They weren’t even mad.  Kids are so  forgiving.  They didn’t mention one single word about me flipping out.  They got off that bus pumped that there was pizza in the car and told me all about their days.   We should all be more like that.  Nobody is perfect and they teach me so many lessons.  They loved me the same at 4:30PM that day as they did that morning and every other day.  They are loving and accepting.  They are who we should all be.

I’m not proud of that story.  I didn’t write that story because I think any part of it is awesome.  I wrote it because its real.  I wrote it because you don’t see many of these stories on Instagram and Facebook.  I wrote it because I think so many people are over scheduled with work and kids activities and social obligations and everything else and we all feel like we just can’t hang on some days.  Maybe, a lot of days.  But, rest assured that many of us are hanging on to a rapidly fraying rope as well so you are not alone.  And, if nobody else will admit this to you- I will.  My rope is a frayin’ but Lord knows I got a tight grip.   As my favorite blogger, Glennon Melton says, “We can do hard things.”  And, sometimes just getting through the day is a hard thing!

Its not all bad.  Life is pretty good too.  There is a balance.  I talk about the ebb and flow.  I seem to ebb a lot, but I flow too.  In the end, we have to look for the good.  Here are a few good things that have been going on with the ones that teach me all about life.

Paige.  This girl.  She is constant.  I actually believe she really knows more about who she is and has a better grip on some realities than some women will ever have.   This beautiful, long blonde haired dream of a girl needed a Halloween costume.  This is always an adventure with her.  One on one, I take her to the store.  We walk all the way around this store where she makes several obseravtions and comments including, “I’m never, ever, ever doing that Princess ‘thing!’”  Okey dokey, nobody said you had to.  Then I show her a few other things I like which she replies with, “There has got to be another store around here.”  Sure thing, doll.  So, we rolled on over across the street to store number 2.  Truthfully, store number 2 was better.  They had a cool Cheetah thing, and a cute Bumble bee and a lot of cute non-princess but still girly things.  Paige carefully examines the entire store and decides that she will be a Pink Power Ranger.  With a mask.  That covers her face and hair.  I said, “You cannot be serious.”  Oh, she was.  Serious as a heart attack.  She said she isn’t going to be like every other person in her class.  Shes real “into” Power Rangers and that’s her choice and can we just get it and go home.  She had me at not wanting to be like everyone else.  I respect that.  Can’t imagine where she gets that?!  So, yeah.  My daughter mixed in with my two rough boys is going to wear a plastic mask on her face and be a Pink Power Ranger.  At least its pink!  I must add this.   Later that night I was standing in the kitchen and she says, “Mom, I just love, love, love your pants!”  (They were lulu leggings, obvi.)  I said thanks and kept doing what I was doing.  She then says, “So, yeah.  I really like them and I was wondering when I can start wearing lulu.  I’m ready.”  Matt’s jaw and heart are still on the floor of my kitchen.  #proudmoment

Easton.  Man, this kid is so much work.  He is always in trouble.  They told me in the NICU that these little miracles are always a lot of work.  I should have prepared myself a little better.  Those people don’t lie.  However, he is the funny one of our group.  He says the funniest things.   He is beyond cute and he likes to be a little different himself.   Since October 1, he has been adamant that he has to have a big white pumpkin.  Not orange
friends, white.  Asked him why, he said “because.”  Good enough.  He now has two pumpkins…. A big white pumpkin and little orange one to carve:)   The leaves are changing and we have this really bright yellow tree across the street.  Earlier this week, Easton was walking out to the car and said “Hey dad, see that tree?  Jesus lit it up.”  Duh.  I’m telling you- this kid knows things.  You should all try to buddy up to this one.  He’s got connections and he is gonna keep us all safe!

Carter.  My first born sweet boy.  Thanks to him, I’ve learned so much about pollination and photosynthesis and leaves and stems and chlorophyll and life cycles of plants.  I was a little bent I couldn’t get a copy of that science test because I’m positive I would have nailed it!  He also went to school yesterday with no loose teeth and handed me a tooth when he got off the bus.  Weird, but ok.  He asked me recently if I would ever rent a camper and take him camping.  I said never in his life would I do that.  Guess what,  six days later his best friend invited him to go camping for a night in their RV and go trick or treating while he is there!  I owe a little thanks to the man upstairs for saving me on this one!  Or Carter, maybe Carter owes him because we all know I was probs not going camping.  Ever.  I’m just so happy he gets to go and so is he!  Yay.
Yesterday I got into a 20 min long wrestling match with a barbell that weighed the same as me.  I managed to lift it, squat it,  throw it over my head, and swear at it 141 times in that 20 minutes.  Now, that was a good time.  <3  Also, I have hot pink nails that make me smile and its almost an acceptable time for me to start bolting to Florida once a month. 

Life is hard.  Its always gonna be.  Just gotta look for that silver lining some days. 

Have a great day and remember:  the struggle is real!  Hang in there!

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