Thursday, November 26, 2015

Thanksgiving. Again. Keeps coming back...

5:18Am on Thanksgiving and I've been up an hour already.  Yippee.  This day.  This single day of every year just tears me down.  It's always my very least favorite day.  Remember, last years post??  I pretty much have the same awesome attitude.    This year I decided that life was too hard and I would just shut down a couple days ago.  I mean, I was up and taking care of kids and doing my daily routine but I had very little to say and so many tears over nothing.  Then, yesterday afternoon, it hit me.  Thanksgiving is this week!  See, that's how little I think about it.  I literally blocked the entire holiday from my brain and had no idea it was coming the next day.  Once I had this huge revelation in life, I actually started to feel better.  I started to think that at least there was an answer to my uncontrollable anxiety and sadness.  Like I said last year, this day for me represents all the struggle in my past and even present.  Its a day that hurts my soul.  I can quite literally feel all the hard things I've been through creep back through my body.  Trust me, I'm all about wading through the struggle.  I love people that have been to hell and back.  I love people that fought their way out of  or through something.   I like tough people.  I'm drawn to people who know how to figure things out.  That is my commonality with so many people.  "We can do hard things." That's what Glennon Melton, who is my favorite blogger and would probs be my BFF if we actually knew each other says.  Its simple and its true and its on repeat in my brain today.  

I believe we are our own story.  We are involved in every step of it and we participate in most of it.  However, its always changing.  We do not have to be our past, we can still mold our present and our future is yet to be determined.  I may have been a very, very sick adolescent and young adult.  I may have spent way too many years putting all my energy into an illness that stole so much time from me.  I may have been scared and weak and sick and vulnerable and had no voice.  I can and will own the fact that I literally almost ruined my body and starved it and broke it down to the point of it hardly functioning.  I put my family through hell.  I was a closed book that let nobody in.  I was lonely.  I was in a world by myself surrounded by a so many loving arms.  Today, I can feel that girl.  Today, I remember that life.  Today, it hurts.  Today, I remember it all.  

Here is the good news.  I'm not her anymore.  I did hard things.  I made it to the other side.  I. am. not. that. girl. anymore.  And, I don't ever have to be again.  That's the best part.  I can decide this.  I do have a voice.  I do have an opinion.  I have a body that is strong enough to sustain the life I lead and I am now living in a world that I participate in.  My family knows me. My family understands who I am. I've created a circle of "my people."  They know who they are.  My family and "my people" are the most important part of  my life.  I need them.   I count on them.  They are there.  And, there is nothing in the world I wouldn't do for them.

I don't know what the future holds.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I do know that I'll be an active participant in it… most days.   I look forward to whats coming next.  This world is full of surprises and challenges and there is one thing I do know for sure- I can do it.  And, by "it", I mean life. Even on the days I don't want to, because that definitely happens, but I know, I really can do it.  All the hard things.  

So, today.  Thanksgiving.  Now that I have sorted through all the crazy, I do realize I am the proud mother of three of the cutest small humans on the planet.  And, they are fired up about Thanksgiving.  Of course they are…  Easton came home yesterday wearing this Turkey vest thing made out of a paper bag and feathers on his head.  Oh, yes he did.   He isn't sure what kind of chicken he will eat today and he actually hates potatoes but other than that- he is ready to roll.   I am thankful for Easton and his fight to live every day of my life.  I don't need a day to announce that but I will because after all, it is just another day.  That little boy is my living, breathing miracle.  He's got more strength and courage that I could ever dream of.  He may drive me insane and scream all day- but he fought to be here so he is just making his mark.  Loudly.  I'm lucky to not only be his mother but to watch the way he lives.  Paige knows more about Thanksgiving and what it means than I do because as it turns out- Its not just about how Lindsay hates the day!  Shocking, I know.  She is also always real excited about anything that involves food and an outing, so today is fantastic for her.  Oh, and she heard about "this really awesome parade" that she can't wait to watch on TV.  Bless her.  Today I will curl her hair and dress her up and paint her nails and Thank God that I actually got a daughter- and that it was Paige, the perfect girl for me.  I pray she never has have the struggles I have but most of all- I hope she sees her Mama as an example of how to rise to the occasion and to do hard things.  I hope I'm teaching her the way.   Carter is not pleased about having to eat Thanksgiving food because he hates it all and he is gonna be real ticked about the line at Zehnders in Frankenmuth!  Atta' boy.  He can stick with me today because we have sweet matching attitudes!  Carter did say he is very happy about four days off of school so his world isn't totally terrible.  He is so my boy. That first born baby changes every ones life.  He gave me something greater than myself to focus on.  He gave me a reason.  A reason for so many things.  He changed my world in ways he will never know.  A Mama's boy he will be.  

Today's plans include fitness first, obvi.  Then family and Frankenmuth for dinner.  I promise to smile and try very hard to enjoy most of today.  I also am going to try very hard to pretend to love riding on horse drawn carriages in the freezing cold with wet snow and wind blowing in my face in the dark- if my kids happen to win the battle of dragging me around downtown Frankenmuth tonight.  I said, try.  We can do hard things, right?

There you have it.   #truthtelling.   I am not afraid to put it all out there because I know we all have struggles.  Although I do enjoy Instagram and Facebook so much, I do not believe half of the perfect little pictures that are painted.  If your life is really that perfect- Congratulations. That's pretty awesome. Mine is also very awesome and messy and insane and wonderful and crazy and real.  I'm just going to continue trying to keep on swimming over here in Goodrich, Michigan if you need me!

Happy Day!

Oh, and I know you are all on the edge of your seats waiting for the Matlock/Clark/Gomez matching pajama staircase picture.  Don't worry- we won't let you down. 

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