Friday, October 28, 2016

My New Therapist

Hi.  I'm here.  I'm probably the worst blogger ever born but you know, nobody's perfect.  I'm going to be better.  I decided that I am going to come to this computer in the middle of my kitchen as often as I can and send out to the Universe or whoever is listening, what I have to say.  Usually, I have a lot to say but I go lay on my bed and think about my crazy life and that's not that therapeutic so its time I try something new.  I like writing.  It feels a little like therapy but better because nobody is talking back or telling me things I don't want to hear.  So this computer,  might just be my new cheap therapist.  Those of you who want to listen to whatever ramblings I have- perfect.  If you don't- well, that's OK too.

I'm going to give a little warning that these posts aren't going to be pretty.  I'm not going to spend hours a day spell checking, making sure punctuation is correct or really proof reading at all.  Like I said, nobody is perfect and I don't even have a small desire to try to be.  So, sorry about the grammar.  Kind of.  I'm not really that sorry, but whatever.

So.  Here is the story.  The God's honest truth story.  My life has literally been on a landslide fall in the wrong direction for way too long.  I could tell you story after story after story of what has been happening and you probably wouldn't believe me.  Lets put it this way- You all thought my breakdown and trip to Arizona was alarming.  Ha.  Yes, yes it was.  However, the recent happenings since then aren't even close to the same spectrum.  They are worse!  The details aren't important and truthfully I'm not going to relive them to tell.  Just take my word for it!  Every day I wake up and think, today is the day that my luck turns.  By around 10:00AM, I realize that ain't happening.  If you know me, you know I'm a pretty tough broad for a small chick.  I've got thick skin, a sharp mind and the ability to carry a lot of weight on these shoulders.  I've had more than a fair share of struggles in my life and I do somehow always come out on top.  It's not because I coast, its because I fight.  I'm not perfect, I have no desire to be perfect but I do have resilience and that my friends, is all you need to really get by.

My Favorite human being happens to be a blogger by the name of Glennon Doyle Melton.  This is what she said:    "I was lucky enough to have been to rock bottom before, right?  So I know, for a fact, that rock bottom is always the beginning of the newness.  It hurts and its painful, and then there is the waiting- where you don't know what the hell is going on and you don't think any of it is going to make sense and then, there's the rising."
I met Glennon once.  I will meet her again next week to remind her how good of friends we are.

The way I see it, that rise... it's GOT TO BE right around the corner and Oh, Baby- I'm ready.  I'm holding on as tight as I can to whatever piece of faith I can find in any day and I am ready for the rise.  I will own that rise and I will try to make a difference somewhere with it.

I'm never going to come here and pretend like life is perfection.  I do have an adorable family, a gorgeous home and the ability to not have to work at this time-  That does not mean my life is all sunshine.   I also have Instagram and Facebook.  I can post anything I want and you can read into any way you want.  That's all part of our freedom.  I look at everybody's stuff a few times a day and I form my own opinions as well.  Some people may really have those picture perfect lives but I'll tell you what I have.  I have picture perfect moments…and then I have my real life.  This includes happy kids, sad kids, mad kids, good days, bad days and horrific days of sadness.  And, an unreal amount of anxiety that no drug can help.  I also have wonderful days and see beautiful pink skies that I always think are made for me.  I'm real.  I'll never try to be something I'm not.   I am 35 years old and still just trying to find my way.   This blog will be happy.  It will sad.  It will be a portrayal of me.  Just as I am.  Enjoy the ride…its a bumpy one.

Let's talk about my fitness.  That's my favorite topic.  I'm obsessed with it.  No shame in my game.  Here is the deal with it.  I HATE the actual working out part.  I don't like to sweat.  I don't like to be uncomfortable and I don't particularly like to do really hard things- even though I can.  And, for the Love of God and all things Holy- do NOT tell me I have good genetics.  I work my ass off every single day and I eat the same thing every day and its a hot topic for me!  Anyways…what I do like is the feeling of a commitment to something, and the sense of accomplishment I get from completing the work.  I've switched my routine.  Wait for it… I'm not currently Crossfitting (Gasp!)  I know, I know, I know.  I did it for almost 4 years and decided to try a new challenge.  Crossfit is competitive and addicting and I loved it.  Loved the communities, the companionship's, the friendships and the fitness.  I'm not saying I'll never go back- I'm saying I'm diggin' something new at the moment.  I'm lifting heavy ass weights with a very large black man that is 3.5 times my size and follows drags me around the gym saying "I got you," the entire time.  I have goals that I will never attain, because that's how I am and I'll own it, of what I want my body to look like.  I just have this unimaginable desire to be strong.  I told him today that I want to be the smallest, strongest girl anyone has ever seen.  He replied with "Are those real tears, save them for the car (as I almost lost my shit on the leg press machine.)  God, I love that giant.  He beats the crap out of my body multiple times a week and hugs me at the end of each visit.  Bless him for dealing with my shit and welcoming me into his playground.   Stay tuned.  I'm about to be jacked ;)  
I was told to take a before picture.  The ones on the right- those are after  my first leg day. HA


Kids!  Lets talk about my kids because well, they are cute and pretty much my whole world.

Carter:  Kicking butt at Flag Football.  Never seen confidence in this kid like I do on that football field. I obviously have no clue what is happening in a football game but I know when my kid runs all the way down the field and everyone is screaming- its a good thing!  He is also doing great at soccer and loving every minute.   He is in 4th grade and switching classes.  I check his online grade book every day and I have now banned him from school lunches for his inability to not by obscene amounts of junk food.  Yup, I'm the cool mom!  Not.

Paige:  Oh, Paigey.  My little hero.  She is dancing 4.5 hours a week and decided to play soccer for the first time.  Went out there and owned it with 3 goals her first game, 6 her second, 3 her third and so on.  The girl can really do anything.  She looks about 11 and she is the biggest  helper or the biggest drama queen depending  on her mood.  She still wears all the Matilda Jane I buy her but really wants to go to Justice….  we're in negotiations on that.  She is Paige and she is her own person and I couldn't be more proud of that.

Easton:  Easy E.  Well, he screams all day.  Every day.  Yells.  Loud.  He's grumpy and moody.  I contact his teacher often who assures me he is perfect. Apparently doesn't scream and slam doors and tell her what she does wrong all day.  Which is good, I guess.  Rude to save it all for me but I'm OK with it.  At least in the real world he acts like a normal human being so I must be getting through to him somehow.  I didn't have him play outdoor soccer in the fall because those lungs don't like it.  He is signed up to play indoor soccer and starts this Saturday.  He is growing so much and will probs pass his brother which is already a huge problem.  He eats nonstop, talks nonstop and is my daily reminder to believe in Miracles.  I don't know why I was chosen to have one walking through my life- but he is and I do not forget it.

That's it.  That's all I got for today.  That's my current situation and now I'm going to fly around this house and pick it up as fast as I can before I get them off the bus and watch them destroy it in record time!

Have a great weekend.  Be Resilient!

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