Monday, October 31, 2016

On Friends

**Disclaimer:  My first disclaimer is soon I will skip the disclaimers since this is supposed to be my new therapist.  However, I'm not quite there yet and know I'm still being judged for my words and opinions so I am just going to throw it out there that this post is intended for nobody.  I know all of our narcissistic brains like to find where we fit into situations but really-this is just my ramblings on a topic I think about all the time.  It's not about YOU!  But, I still love you:)

Friends.  We all have them.  We have all kinds of them.  We've got our party friends or social friends, we've got our work friends, our gym friends, our best friends, our kids friends Moms, our family friends and then we've got those friends that you haven't talked to in years but call them your best friends because space and time mean nothing when it comes to them.  I've always said that you are given your family but you pick your people.  I choose very wisely or I try to.  

You know that saying "My ride or die?"  I don't get it.  I don't need a friend to die.  I need you there for the ride.  I need a "ride" friend.  Thats what I need.  Don't be the ride or die- be the ride.  For someone. Anyone.  Be someones ride.

I'm a watcher.  I take it all in.  I do have a lot of opinions and as many as I share- I keep to myself.  I love to peep the scene.  I like to absorb all that's happening.  Shamelessly, I'm nosey and I like to know things.  So, I watch.  And, I absorb and in doing so- I learn a lot about people.  Fascinating, really.

So many people have to surround themselves with such a large crowd.  They have to have so much energy around them and I can't always tell if its because they lack the confidence, they love the rush or they just thrive in chaos.  Don't get me wrong, I love a good party.  I love happy people, gathered together with their worries pushed aside to actually enjoy life in a pretty difficult world.  I tend to thrive in a smaller group.  Less chaos.  More personal.  However, here is a little story about how a good crowd actually helped me.  Last year, I agreed to throw my gym Christmas Party.  I agreed to do this before shit really hit the fan and I began my decline into anxiety and depression.  However, I made a commitment and I'll be damned if I was going to let everyone down.  The week before was spent talking to my therapist about how I was going to get dressed, how I was going to not hide in the bathroom and how I was going to actually survive.  It was not a good situation for me.  I had spent about a month alone and I was in no condition to be  ready to entertain anybody.  The day of the party came and I busied myself with details and I got dressed.  And, I answered the door.  And, I smiled a fake smile to each and every person that entered my house.  After a couple hours, I actually engaged in the fun.  I let go of my troubles and I laughed real laughs with real people in my own home.  It was a really good experience for me.  Most of those people in my house that night- had no idea what my life was like.  They had no idea how desperate I was.  The best part- it didn't matter.  I felt loved in a big crowd and they gave me one night of no tears.  This is what I mean when I say its important to have all the kinds of friendships.  They all have a place.

As for those friends that you hardly talk to but count on the most- those are cool.  Those are my jam.  I think it is insanely awesome to meet someone and it just be right.  When it feels like you can tell this person anything and you hardly know them and you only spend brief moments in your life with them- those are my heroes.  Those are the friends I have tucked in my little toolbox and I use them when needed and I know that no matter what- they are there.  Few words.  Miles Apart.  All the difference in the world.  

Then we have the fair-weather friends.  These are hard.  These people love you when you're up and fun and everything is sunshine and butterflies.  When life gets hard and you're more like a black cloud- they kind of wander off.  You can go ahead and lose those people.  I give you permission.  It is actually hard to do.  I may have a tough exterior but I do feel bad when I know people need to go from my life.  If I have called you a friend- I have given you a lot of energy and it makes me sad to know it was wasted.  So, I get it.  Its hard to let go.  You must remember- life is hard so give that energy to something else. Remember ride or die.  Just because we don't die- doesn't mean we don't expect you to ride.  

We also have the friends that just know.  Sometimes these people surprise you. There are a few people who I am not that close with that heard me when I wasn't speaking.  They text me that they know I'm not OK- when Ive never even spoke to them on the phone or hung out with them.  The people that hear you when you don't speak- put them in your pocket.  Don't lose them.  These people need to be your people.  Some of my best friends had no idea I spent hours a day sobbing on the floor.  Its not their fault.  I don't even blame them.  Everyone has their own lives and I am certainly not the center of theirs.  However, the people who don't believe your OK voice, don't tolerate your lack of text responses or those that see the tears behind the makeup- just hold on to those.  That's all.  They are your ride. 

I go through stages where I have a ton of friends and then I have few friends.  Its not really that I gain and lose friends all the time.  Its more that I let people in and I shut people out.  Its me.  Its not the best way to go but it is who I am.  When things get really bad for me, I shut down.  I suffer alone and I share nothing with anyone.  This is not because my friends aren't good enough.  This is not because I don't trust them.  This is just the way I was made.  To suffer alone and rise alone.  Everything I do is kind of in my own way.  I'm hard to sway, I'm hard to challenge because I just sort of pave my own path.  Now, I'm pretty sure life could be easier if I chose the path already paved but its really just not my style.  I know I make life harder than it has to be but at least I'm going my own way.  Hard or not.  I'm doing my thing.  And, I think you should do yours.  

Also- on a completely different note.  I took my kids grocery shopping this weekend.  Part of why I always say I decided not to work, was so that I didn't have to do things like take my kids grocery shopping.  I realize they are 5, 7, and 9.  I realize that I'm a Mom and Mom's do this.  However, Its a nightmare.  Its so annoying.  Its so not fun.  I would just like to ask where all my friends were when I decided to willingly take them to the grocery store on a  Sunday morning??  Friends, please don't let me do this again.  Remind me that I have all week to do this without them.  Remind me that it is not helpful to our relationship of parent/child when we shop together.  It does not grow the love balloon at all.  Friends don't let it happen again.

Happy Halloween! I'll be over at my sisters stressed out about all the sugar and being a really uncool Mom if you need me!
My Fave

Be someones RIDE.  

1 comment:

  1. I thought I was the only one who felt this way. A lot of my feelings didn't evolve until after I got the kids. Love you!!! ��❤